Abstract Arboretum

Hiatus

2009-09-03T08:43:00.003-05:00

Hello kiddios! I hope you don't mind, but I am going to take a little break from blogging (perhaps I should have posted this a week ago BEFORE I started taking the break).
I just have about 300 things going on right now and a few things have to be put on hold, this blog being one of them.

Happy Blogging!

That's... An Interesting Trim Job... (!!!!??!!)

2009-08-25T08:56:00.005-05:00

It's Tuesday again and time for another Totally Awkward post courtesy of Tova Darling (can I ever thank you enough!?) Hit that link and visit Tova's page for a whole list of totally awkward posts!

Today, we go back to my 18th year of life. It was the summer after my Senior year in high school and I was working in Branson, MO at one of those trail ride places. You know, you'd come and give me $12.50 apiece and I'd put you on a horse and take you riding around for a few miles through the Branson countryside (because at that time there was actually a little countryside left) while you referred to me as something stupid like Cattle Annie.
Now the fellow who owned this place liked the pretty girls and after I started working there, he hired another girl (we'll call her Curly) who was very pretty indeed. Long, blond hair. Nice tan. Bright blue eyes. All the boys were really into her. I soon found out they were wasting their time in one of the most awkward situations in my illustrious history:

We were at work one Thursday when Curly suggested to me that I bring a change of clothes the next day and come over to her place after work. Her roommate was out of town and it would give us a chance to get to know one another socially, not to mention saving me a long drive because she lived right up the road from work.
So, the next evening, we did just that. Naturally, after having worked with horses all day long, we were dirty and grimy and sweaty and both needed a shower. Curly graciously showed me to the bathroom and the clean towels and suggested I go first since I was her guest. While I was showering, she popped into the bathroom to check on me. At the time I thought, "Okay, clearly, she doesn't have as many personal bounderies as I do, but whatever. It's not like she can see through the shower curtain."
I got dressed and kicked back in a rocking chair in her living room while she took her turn showering. All was well until... it wasn't anymore.
There I was, minding my own business and watching tv when Curly walked out of her bathroom, completely nude, and came down the hallway toward me. My brain screamed something incoherent and I turned quickly back to the television for something (ANYTHING) else to look at. This did not deter Curly - she just stepped in front of the tv, all the while getting closer to the rocking chair I was now starting to sweat in. She asked, "So, where do you want to eat tonight?" I answered, "Uh, I don't... I hadn't.... Uh, I, uh... WHAT!?" And thus the conversation went on for about the next 15 most uncomfortable seconds of my life. I am a person with serious personal bounderies, so physical closeness with those other than my immediate family makes me nervous anyway. Nevermind if you are a virtual stranger. Certainly nevermind if you are BARE-ASS-NAKED! So, it happened that Curly stepped even closer as I leaned even further back until BOOM! I flipped the rocking chair over, breaking the arm off of it, jumped up, apologized, grabbed my bag, made some lame excuse and got the hell out of dodge, as they say.
It didn't occur to me until the next day, when I was preparing to go back to work on Monday that I would, in fact, have to face her again. CRAP! CRAP CRAP! Any number of awkward things could happen, couldn't they?! How would she act? What would she say? What if I overreacted? Did normal 18 year old girls run around naked in front of one another? (not the ones I grew up with).
As it happened, she wasn't at all embarrassed, sorry or shy. For the last several weeks of that summer and that job, I just had to dodge, duck and dive this chic. It was that or yank her hair out and at that point, I was afraid she would enjoy a little hair pulling...

Pranks Gone Wrong and etc...

2009-08-24T09:31:00.006-05:00

We live in Aurora, MO. Marionville, MO is the town next to ours. My son goes to Aurora High School. I attended Marionville. Okay, background out of the way, I'll go on with the story now:
This weekend, the Aurora police department was called to the Aurora High School because there was a dead deer lying in front of the entrance to the school. Upon investigating, the police found that the deer was wearing a Marionville Comets hat... I wonder if the turds who did this even remotely thought about the possibility that there were surveylance cameras all over the school??? Time will tell.

It's Monday, and I'm sure you are by now used to the fact that I am just not "with it" enough for a coherent post on this first day of the week, so I'm going to leave you with pictures from our trailride this weekend and wishes for a wonderful week!

View from one of the high trails:

Me and my kids. Hubby was riding one of mine yesterday, so I had them both there. Louie on the left and Rain on the right (doesn't she look happy!? not)

There is an old cemetary in this particular park. They don't keep it up anymore, unfortunately.

When we got home, Pea Pie decided he wanted to learn to do some roping. He did a pretty impressive job for his first day - ended up helping hubby out by roping a calf that needed a shot. Then he learned to give the calf a shot. He also learned we do not wield a syringe as if it's a sword...

Bits and Bobs

2009-08-21T09:16:00.007-05:00

Well hello, hello, hello!! Not only is it Friday, but the weather here is AMAZING! High of 80 today and I'm declaring official Fall weather. I SAID I'M DECLARING IT!! (hope the weather is listening!)

Time for another edition of Friday Fragments (wooo-hooooo!) For more of these little tidbits, visit Mrs. 4444 at Half Past Kissin Time.

Let's see:
Have you ever used flylady.com? If you have trouble staying organized, keeping your house clean or anything like that, you should check it out. It's amazing and completely free!

It's time for Broiler Fest here in Crane, Missouri. What's Broiler Fest, you ask!? Well, it's a Festival celebrating the eating of many chickens (broilers are what eating chickens are called). There are carnival rides, a beauty pageant, crafters and...well, a lot of chicken to eat. That's what we're having for lunch today here at the dealership.
Now, here's the big scoop on Broiler Fest. Don Johnson (yep, the Miami Vice guy) has several family members living right in this area and every year, as long as he's not working, he comes to the Broiler Festival. Yesterday, he had lunch at Bootleggers in Aurora, MO (where I live). Last night he was at Ruby Tuesday in Springfield AND yesterday he got himself a Missouri Drivers License. hmmmm. I DO have 10 acres for sale. Wonder if he's looking for a place to build!?

My son is off to his dad's for the weekend after school today. I always say in a very cheery voice, "I'm so happy you get to see your dad this weekend. Have fun and stay safe!" But what I'm thinking is, "THIS SUCKS!"

Learning Spanish has become very difficult. Contrary to what a lot of people seem to believe you canNOT just throw el in front of every word and turn it in to spanish. EL CRAP!

OH! I still have not bought batteries for my digiscale, so I have no clue how much weight I've lost, but I'm building good habits - no soda now and tons of water, watching my portions AND...dum duh DAH!!!! getting a LITTLE exercise. It's a start.

I watched "Obsessed" starring Beyonce last night. That was pretty decent. I ended up yelling "THROW THAT BITCH DOWN THE STAIRS!" Which is EXACTLY what I would have done. Except the only stairs at our trailer are the ones on the front porch. I don't think that would have killed her, but it would have been a start.

My plans for the weekend include: STAYING HOME, RESTING & whatever else I decide to do (probably not much of anything but bask in this weather). I hope you all get to do the things you want this weekend, too!

Blogging Post

2009-08-20T09:20:00.003-05:00

I know! Blogging about blogging. Who'da thunk it!? Yesterday I was catching up on your blogs and one of them got my attention. It's one of many I've read on the subject of blogging "rules" and one of many that have just rubbed me the wrong way.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how and why I blog. This is the third blog I've had because I am a perfectionist and after getting unhappy with the first two either because I didn't blog regularly or I just didn't like what I was saying, I started another. With this one, I finally buckled down and decided every post cannot be a wonderfully witty masterpiece and that it is more important to meet my goal of writing on a daily basis than to try and be perfect. I've been pretty darn good about doing just that, every Monday through Friday, since I started Abstract Arboretum. That's a goal that I have maintainted for a few months now and I'm happy about that.

But it seems that a lot of people blog because they want to be recognized or invited to Blogher or to get some sort of fame out of it. And that's fine, truly. But, it also seems like a lot of the bloggers who blog for those reasons think the rest of us should too and that if we don't, we are just wasting perfectly good space on the internet. Incase any of you were wondering, that is not why I'm here. What am I trying to say here? I better figure it out before this thing gets insanely long. To boil it down:

1. I do like gaining followers because it could mean that I'm doing something right and people are enjoying what I have to say. But gaining a follower could also mean that the person who is following does so in order to gain another follower themselves. "I'll follow you if you'll follow me" kind of a thing. I'm not really "down" with that scenario.

2. I blog because I have a writing goal and in order to become any sort of a good writer, you have to write. I know, it's shocking.

3. I do not care about blogher or about monetizing or about getting a thousand followers who are only following because they want me to return the favor. I am not here to social network by any stretch of the imagination and I would much prefer to have 5 followers who genuinely enjoy my blog than to have 500 who are just trying to gain popularity themselves. This isn't Mary Kay or Tupperware for me. It's just my blog.

4. Social networking IS a wonderful tool for many reasons. I use it for business, but I choose not to use it for my blog. Double standard? NO. Why? Because I am not judging you for the reason that you want to blog. I'm defending my right to blog without being judged by you.

4. I DO follow blogs that I sincerely enjoy. I don't follow very many because I have limited time to read them and it really pisses me off when people leave comments that make it clear that they are not really reading your blog. I would rather follow 20 of you and be able to follow you the right way than to follow 100 of you half-assed. Sometimes I'll get a comment that just makes it so blatantly obvious that a person has glanced over a post and then thrown out a quick comment. Whatever.
If you like my blog and leave comments that are sincere or that acknowledge you have ACTUALLY read that post, then thank you so very much! I do enjoy the vast majority of the comments that I receive.

5. I don't care why you blog - to each his own and more power to you! I'm not here to judge. If you are blogging in order to social network or to gain some sort of popularity or be recognized, I certainly don't blame you for it. However, I have read many posts now where these very bloggers carry on about how if you're going to blog then you ought to be doing a, b and c or you're not really a blogger. Well, to hell with that. Blog for whatever reason you want to for as long as it makes you happy, but please don't judge when others refuse to follow your little formula.

Thus concludes this installment of GERT ON A SOAPBOX. I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Quicky

2009-08-19T08:55:00.002-05:00

I'm going to make this a quick one because I really need to catch up on reading YOUR posts.

To Brainella: know now that I am a dork of enormous proportions - Your potpourri and oil are on their way today, however, your votives will be delayed. I brought everything to work with me yesterday thinking I would run into work for a few minutes and then down to the post office to ship. Then I got caught up at work and forgot the stuff was in the car. You know... candles do not hold up well in high temperatures... Sincere apologies - they WILL be coming very soon.

To all of you: Stop laughing and cut me some slack. I'll be more prepared for my next giveaway!! Have a fantastic Wednesday!!

OOOPS!

2009-08-18T09:21:00.003-05:00

It's time again for another Totally Awkward Tuesday (thank you Tova Darling!).

This morning, while driving to work, I was thinking which totally awkward moment I would be sharing and I settled on one, but then... this happened about 10 minutes after I got to work:

Some of you may remember from early posts about my work that one of our auto salesmen is also a preacher. Well, Preacher came into my office this morning and sat down with his cup of coffee. I had taken off early yesterday to take Pea Pie to an appointment and then shopping, so Preacher needed to fill me in a few work goings-on. He had been sitting in my office for about 5 minutes when he coughed and then got a funny look on his face. I thought he had dumped coffee in his lap and burned himself. I said, "ARE YOU OKAY!?" And he said, "I didn't burn myself. I coughed... and then I farted, but I didn't spill any coffee..."

I'm not sure for which of us it was more awkward, but there is no denying that it WAS awkward...

While We Were Away...

2009-08-17T11:02:00.002-05:00

Hubby and I were staying the night in Arkansas Saturday night and the middle (step)child, who lives with her mom a few miles away, called to see if she could just stay all night out at the house (she's 16). I said sure - no parties. She said she was having her friend Sammi stay with her and it would just be the two of them. Little did I know how weird just the two of them could be.
I expected to come home to empty pantries, dirty dishes and a mess. I wasn't surprised there. I was NOT expecting to come home to a broken kitchen bench (one that lifts up and has book storage underneath), a misplaced zuchini and about 27 spoons in our freezer.
First, I said to Pea-Pie, "Why in the world would they have put spoons in the freezer?" And he very quickly replied, "You remember the choking yourself with a belt in the closet to get high thing everyone was doing? Well, now everyone is freezing spoons. Then they take two spoons and press one to each temple and it gets them sort of high."
I stood there staring at him, mouth wide open, for a good 5 seconds before I replied, "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!?" Then he laughed and said yeah, he just made it up. (points for having a good sense of humor. Minus points for screwing with mom.)

Here is the text exchange that ended up taking place between me and the Middle Child:

Me: Any reason there were 27 spoons in the freezer and my zucchini is missing from the table and the books were left on the floor under the broken kitchen seat?

Middle Child: O the seat broke frm my backpack the spoons were frm sam she hid them frm me and I didn't c a zucchini.

Me: Big green veggie that WAS on the table?

MC: OH! Yeah, check in the living room...

Me: Of course...living room...gotcha.

MC: ya sry.

Get your dictionary. Look up "tiny freaks of nature". See that girl in the middle with the curly hair? That's our middle child...

AND THE WINNER IS....

2009-08-14T12:04:00.005-05:00

Drumroll please.......

BRAINELLA!!!

Woot! Woot! Way to go girl! email me at ahaley74@gmail.com with your name and address so I can get these shipped. Thanks! Now we can wean you off of those high priced yank candles you've been buying. FYI, Spring Street Candle 26oz big jars are only $15 apiece AND, if you buy 2 or more, they are $10 apiece!!
I know after you try your votives, you'll be calling to have these shipped!

Thanks to everyone who signed up! Keep an eye out here at Abstract Arboretum for more great Spring Street Candle giveaways in the future! And if you want great quality candles, incense or potpourri before then, please visit www.springstreetcandle.com

Bits and Bobs

2009-08-14T09:17:00.005-05:00

Thank goodness today is

Seriously, my brain is refusing to boot up today. I've been awake for well over three hours and just can't quite get it going!

You have until Noon today to get entered in my giveaway (see Wendesday's post for details - it's easy as pie AND the winner is going to get some great products)!

I went to do my first weekly weigh-in today and....drum roll... the battrees were dead in my digiscale!! They're weird round battrees, too. So who knows how I've done weight wise? I do know that I'm almost completely off of soda again. yesterday a mere 10 oz, today I imagine I can drop it all together without headache worries. YAY!

Pea Pie will NOT let me hug him goodbye when I drop him off for high school. What the bloody hell? My husband seems to think this behavior is ACCEPTABLE! hmmmff! Boys!

Back to Eureka Springs for me this weekend and hubby is going along. I'm so excited about that! Although, the reason he's going is beyond hysterical. Mind you, he is not generally a jealous man, but this week I said to him, "You need to decide if you're going with my by Wednesday evening." His eyes got really big and he said, "WHY!? You don't have a boyfriend down there do you?!" I could not help but laugh. He uses up every last but of my patience - how could I possibly have time for a boyfriend? I explained (through tears of laughter) that I did not have a boyfriend, I just wanted to know because a couple of my friends were thinking of joining me. He went from "I don't know...." to "Yes, I would love to go with you" in about a 10 second span. However you look at it, I win!! I get to have my snuggle buggle with me for the weekend. Yes, I do call him stupid sickeningly sweet things like snuggle buggle.

Speaking of hubby, here's a little tidbit for you - every morning he eats S'mores flavored Pop Tarts and every morning he ends up with a glob of icing on the left side corner of his mouth. I can understand that. What I can't understand is his lack of concern over it. Again, hmmmf! Boys!

Yesterday I realized that my ex-husband's soon to be ex wife had her Facebook set so that anyone could read it. So, I did. And looked at all the pictures. It did not convince me that she is less crazy than I thought. Unfortunately, it just confirmed what I thought. pssssssssssssycho. Although, seriously, what does it say about me that I even looked? shudder...

I realized this week that, when writing about my cattle dog, I've been writing that he's a red healer... Sounds like he's a communist doctor. I MEAN red heeler. heeler. heeeeeeeler. Although, if he doesn't stop getting after our bottle calves I'll be calling him by an indian name: Walks-with-foot-in-butt.

Okay, that's all I've got and even that was a stretch this morning. dull brain! dull brain!

For more Friday Fragments, please visit Mrs. 4444 at Half Past Kissin Time!

SCREAM!!

2009-08-13T08:47:00.005-05:00

In my family, we like to scare people. We like to get scared. We like to watch people being scared on video. It's just funny. And I know people (my grandma for instance) who think that it is horrible to scare people - particulary your children, but I just have to disagree. Following is one of my very favorite episodes of SCARE THE BOY!!!
A few years ago, I pulled off my best scare EVER. Pea-Pie was on the other end of the house, singing and talking to himself in the shower (he doesn't begin to know the meaning of silence). I went into his room, took his telescope tripod and put it about 3 feet inside of his bedroom door, draped his coat around it and put a Scream mask on it. It looked like a small, sort of lopsided monster. Then I went into the living room and waited patiently with hubby to see my handiwork in action. Eventually Pea-Pie came down the hallway and into the living room (still singing and talking). He stopped to talk to hubby and I and, in my anticipation, I said, "You better go get your pjs on before you catch a cold! Hubby and I were just trying to keep a straight face.
Pea Pie walked, jumped, spun and danced his way (he's never still either) down the other hallway to his bedroom, still singing and talking and then... maybe for the first waking moment in his life... HE WAS COMPLETELY SILENT. For about three full seconds before: HE RAN SCREAMING AND FLAILING BACK THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM ALL THE WAY INTO THE KITCHEN BEFORE SPINNING AROUND AND HOLLERING: "MOM!!! YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUTTA ME! MY KNEES ARE SHAKING! THAT WAS AWESOME!!" Ah (wiping a tear from my eye), I'm so glad the boy has a good sense of humor...

If you don't think scaring people is funny, don't watch this video.

Note: I do NOT condone the scaring of toddlers who cannot understand that it's just a joke. Scaring toddlers is what started my lifelong fear of spiders - but that's a whole other story.

Reminder: To any of you who have not signed up for my giveaway, please see yesterday's post. We've only got about 6 entries so far - good odds for those who have entered... Bad for my blog. WHERE'S THE LOVE PEOPLE!?

IT'S THE BIG 100!!! (loud cheering noises)

2009-08-12T08:07:00.007-05:00

Today is the day!
It's the one-hundredth post on Abstract Arboretum and to celebrate, I'm having a giveaway!!!

The prize(s):

A half dozen votive candles in a variety of fragrances. These aren't just any old candles either. These are handpoured and saturated with scent at Spring Street Candle! www.springstreetcandle.com

Click on the picture to get a closer look.

A bag of orange spice peel potpourri WITH a bottle of refresher oil. The refresher oil can be used to refresh the potpourri or sprayed on woodwork to give your entire home this incredible smell.

REALLY click on this picture for a closer look. This potpourri is BEAUTIFUL!

This giveaway will be decided by drawing. To get your name in the drawing:

1. Leave a comment on this post. (one entry for doing this one)

2. Have your friends and fellow bloggers leave a comment on this post, letting me know that YOU sent them here - this will get you AND your friend in the drawing. If your friend also becomes a follower of the blog, you will both receive TWO entries. (unlimited potential for entries for doing this)

3. Follow SpringStCandle on Twitter.
(one entry for participating in #3)

This allows you to pretty much get an unlimited number of entries in the drawing depending on how many of your friends and fellow bloggers you send over (and hey, help a sister out, would ya!?)
I will accept all entries between now and Noon Friday.

How Low Can Ya Go?

2009-08-11T08:45:00.004-05:00

Well, it's time for another installment of Totally Awkward Tuesday. A subject I fear I will never run out of posts for.

On this day I will concentrate on a totally awkward moment that my friend had. I saw it first hand, I laughed until I cried, I tried not to laugh for a minute and then I laughed some more.

I have had this particular friend since Kindergarten. We'll call her Fro-baby because she is prone to some unfortunate hair goings-on when she wakes up in the mornings. Also funny, but I digress.

Not so very many years ago, when Fro-baby was still a single lady, we would occasionally go out to the bars. This was obviously before the unfortunate series of events that led to my lifelong ban on drinking anything aside from the occasional glass of pinot.
One such night Frobaby, myself and my cousin were all at this little podunk bar where another cousin of mine had his band playing. I'm not going to lie - the combination of kick-ass music and unending pitchers of beer made it impossible NOT to get out on the dancefloor and shake our boo-tays. Dance, drink, dance, drink, drance, dink <---- this shows the progression toward what could possibly be described as drunkenness.

At this point, Frobaby and I were right up in front of the stage amongst a crowd of people dancing when I saw Frobaby start to turn in a circle and shake her booty on down toward the floor. Down she shook it, down she bent, down she... FELL FLAT ON HER ASS RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE IN THE BAR.
I bit my lip to keep from laughing...
I broke out into a smile anyway...
I turned to look at my cousin who was sitting at our table...
I saw that she was literally slumped over in the booth laughing hysterically...
I lost it...

There she was, still on the floor, sort of turtle-on-it's-back-like (generally pretty agile, but let's face it - alcohol tends to erase any traces of agility one might start out with). The look on her face clearly said, "Holy shit! I just fell down! I've got to get up! I can't get up! Help?" And do you think I helped? NO. I was too busy laughing and worrying about the imminent plot of my demise which she was sure to launch next morning.
I will say this, though, where most people would have died of embarrassment, Fro-baby stayed right out there and finished the song.

For more Totally Awkward moments, visit The Secret Life of Tova Darling every Tuesday!

STAY TUNED: TOMORROW IS MY 100TH POST AND IT COMES WITH A GIVEAWAY!!

What a Weekend!

2009-08-10T09:07:00.004-05:00

Whew! I had to come back to work just to rest up from this weekend.

I left Saturday morning for Eureka Springs. Mike, Sonny and I went yard saling. I got a few books. My husband was absolutely thrilled as he always is when I bring new books home. That's a complete joke. He is actually afraid that one day (soon) there will be no room for living in our house, only room for books. He can't stop me though. NOONE CAN STOP ME!!! Muah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

After that, Mike and Sonny had to open the candle shop and we stuck around there until noon then headed to Basin Park to celebrate with our diverse friends at the Diversity Weekend get together. Back to the candle shop until late afternoon when I headed home.

Yesterday was a laid back, too dang hot to do anything, kind of day.
Nothing special was happening at all, but then I checked my messages and BEHOLD:

Georgie-Porgie over at Decisionally Challenged has graced me with my first ever Blog Award. SQUEEEEEEEE!!! I'm pretty excited about that, Thanks Georgie!!

Now the rules are that I am supposed to pass this on to 10 more lovely blogs, but I'm going to round down to 5 because, at this point, I don't follow very many blogs. So, for my 5 (and I'm not going to give one to Georgie, but only because she already got this award):

47 and Starting Over

On the Front Porch

My Aimless Infatuation (the chirping birds are especially lovely!)

Half Past Kissin Time

World of Weasels

I'm not going to post rules with it... If you want to pass it on, I'm sure that whoever receives it will be thrilled!

Now then, pay close attention: Abstract Arboretum is ALMOST to the 100 posts mark and upon reaching that goal there will be a FANTASTIC giveaway. Stay tuned!!

Bits & Bobs

2009-08-07T08:57:00.002-05:00

It's Friday, It's Friday!! Time for Friday Fragments (check out Half Past Kissing Time for a bunch more links to other great FFs!)

I still don't "get" how to grab the Friday Fragment button and use it over here...

We went to see Montgomery Gentry in concert last night. I have a few Fragments on that experience:
1. I am too old to be listening to loud concerts - my head hurts and I can't hear this morning (but it was still fun).

2. I figured out last night that it isn't that I don't like country music, it's that listening to rowdy country music is directly linked to my wanting to drink in ridiculously excessive amounts. I DIDN'T drink anything because I don't anymore, but I sure wanted to.

3. I need to calm it down with giving strangers nicknames. I'm getting pretty creative with it, though. The usual suspects are Coughy Cougherson or Smoky Smokerson, but last night I got behind an old man who had a bit of a hitch in his step and I said (to myself inside my own head of course), "Get along there Limpy Leventhall." LIMPY LEVENTHALL!?

Anyway...
I discovered this week that a little product named Chiggerrid can be your best friend if you've walked the 20 yards from your car to my ex-husband's front porch and been attacked by a nest of those chiggery little bastards.

If you get bit by a chigger on one of your boobs, it's all you'll think about ALL DAY LONG because you can't just scratch it, can you!? At least not without everyone you work with talking about it.

Adult chiggers have eight legs which means they are related to SPIDERS, which means that one of my big unlikely fears HAS COME TRUE. Unlikely fear #1: Spiders will become blood sucking parasites. (fear realized as I learned that ticks are also a part of the arachnid family and now this chigger thing).
Unlikely fear #2: Spiders will mutate into flying creatures. Do NOT tell me if there is already some sort of flying spider in the world.

I'm addicted to learning Spanish. I don't know how to say that in Spanish yet, but I'll learn. Oh yes. I will. Yo lleva calcetines y zapatos! Yeah, I said it...

I was disappointed this morning to see that the lot boy got his hair cut. It was growing into quite a fuzz-fro.

I am heading to Eureka Springs tomorrow to visit with my friends down there! Yay!!

I guess that's about it for this week - Hope you all have a great weekend!!

Here We Go!

2009-08-06T08:27:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm going to say it outloud. Just going to put it out there so I can be held accountable:
It's time to lose weight.
Julie at 47 and Starting Over is doing it. (and very well might I add)
She is doing quite an inspiring job.

I've gone from a point where I could claim curviness to a point where there is no denying - I'm a fatty. It is what it is. I won't be doing anything special or magical, just eat less and exercise more (more means any whatsoever since at this point I don't do a whole lot that could be considered exercise).
I'm quitting soda again as of today. I did that for three full months a while back and it didn't help me lose weight. This time I'm doing it because it's simply bad for me. I'm going to TRY and remember to take a vitamin every day. I seem to have some mental block that causes me to avoid vitamins. Maybe I'll strap a bottle to my shirt - Kindergarten note-to-your-mom style (I am sure this is where the phrase "word to yo mama" originated).
For now, that's the plan - No soda, daily vitamin, eat smaller portions of food and get moving. Once I've recovered from these changes, I'll make a few more. I figure it's a good idea not to freak myself out over it.

Tonight we're off to the Ozark Empire Fair (okay, the no soda thing will have to start tomorrow - they have A&W on tap at the fair. Just keepin' it real) to see Montgomery Gentry in concert (thanks for the tix Disc Jockey friend). I'm not a huge fan of new country but hubby is all kinds of excited about it and I bet it'll be a good concert. They look like they'd put on a fun show. Plus we're going up early to "walk around the fair." For me that means people watching. Let's face it, there are no more interesting people in the world than the ones at the local Fair. For hubby that means walking through the livestock barns and then going to see the giant vegetables while saying stuff like, "That ain't nothin'. One year Bubba Joe threw out a watermelon rind in his back yard and then his septic tank backed up in the same spot. Hell, I guess them seeds took hold in all that natural fertilizer 'cause Bubba had watermelons twice the size of that one there."

I'll let you know how it goes.

I survived...

2009-08-05T09:07:00.003-05:00

Well Freshman registration & orientation didn't kill me and Pea Pie is really excited for school to start. The high school is beautiful (I had only ever been to the commons and the gym before) and seems easy to find your way around in.

We stood in line for a little over an hour getting all of the paperwork turned in and etc. I was happy to see that Pea Pie is no longer so very much smaller than most of the other boys. Although, there are a couple handsfull of very large, homegrown farm boys in this class. I'm 5'9 and found myself looking up at several boys that I didn't have to look up at last year.

It's a funny group. As far as I can tell, it's divided up like this:
Farm boys
Skaters
One really preppy kid.

I verified this with my son and he said I needed to add potheads to my list... Then rolled his eyes when I gave him the "just say no" speech for the hundredth time.

The girls fall under 2 categories in my mind:
Skanks who might ruin my son
His cousin

Orientation was like all orientations are. Principle spoke. Vice principal spoke. They both seem like nice fellows. Then the counselor got up and um she um talked for like um about um ten minutes. But, um really, like she could have um said everything she needed to in about um 3 IF SHE HAD STOPPED WITH THE UMS EVERY OTHER WORD! I was actually squirming in my seat over it. My husband kept cracking up because he knew it was all I could do to keep from screaming. (I'm going to be the bitchiest old woman EVER, I just know it. But, that's a whole other story).
After all of the teachers were introduced, they let us loose with maps and schedules and we walked around to all of the classrooms. That was a lot of fun. And it made this crazy mom feel a little better - knowing I can kind of picture where he is going to be now.

I AM SO PROUD OF HIM!

The Great Crash of '89

2009-08-04T08:42:00.006-05:00

Welcome to another installment of Totally Awkward Tuesday! For a lot more funny and usually embarrassing stories such as this, head over to The Secret Life of Tova Darling.
Picture it: Marionville, Missouri (home of the white squirrels), 1989. High School football game. In a town where football is VERY important and the bleachers are always crowded with folks. Half time. Are you picturing it?

Now imagine, if you will, the band. The high school marching band. A really excellent, 3rd in the STATE field competition band. I was one of two drum majors. We had a fantastic half time show - we only did college level field routines. Yeah, that's how serious we were. (you see the sarcasm? You see how I can make fun now of the fact that we WERE SO FREAKIN SERIOUS? Funny now, sure. Funny then? NO.)

So, during this half time show, the band played a couple of songs (with the other drum major and I up on our big boxes directing everyone) and then we did a drum break where only the percussion section played and gave the rest of the band time to get in a different formation AND the flag people (you know the girls who wave those pretty pretty flags around in sync with one another?) to have their flags changed out. It so happens, that as drum major, it somehow became my job to run (and I mean RUN) out onto the field with my arms full of flags, stop in front of each flag carrier and switch out her flag until I had gone through the whole line. Then I had to RUN back to the front, get back up on my box (where is that thing now when I need to preach about something?) and begin directing the band in their next song. Got it?

On this particular night everything went as planned right up to the part where I RAN out onto the field. The wet, wet field. When I got to the very first flag carrier and attempted to stop, what actually happened was that I slid past her, hit the ground, continued to slide, rolled completely over and then jumped up. I never dropped ONE of the flags I had my arms full of either. I heard it. I heard the crowd's collective gasp as I hit the ground. I prayed for the ground to please, just please open up and swallow me now. It didn't. I stood up and continued to switch out flags and then ran back to my box where I was met with laughter and applause. LAUGHTER and applause. (bunch of douches).

And you would think that would be enough wouldn't you? That wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that Monday we got to 1st hour band and we began to review the video of the show (told you we were serious). I realized from the start of the tape that we would be, uh... reviewing my crash. I did NOT realize that the band director would rewind it 4 or 5 times - play it again, play it in slow motion, use his stupid stick pointer to tap the screen and relay his favorite parts, etc. He wasn't being mean, mind you. It sounds like he was, but you'd have just had to know him. I have to admit that I was laughing right along with everyone else upon seeing this AND I forgave the crowd at the game for their laughter too. You couldn't possibly see it and not laugh, but to this day, if I think about it much I can still feel my cheeks turning red with embarrassment.

High School

2009-08-03T10:42:00.003-05:00

How can two simple words make one person ache with sadness while another practically oozes excitement?
How can my baby - the "squishy" little boy - be growing into a man? Squishy is certainly a thing of the past with his practically 0 bodyfat, 6 pack, pecs, hard jaw line... NOT the looks of a little boy. (how does he get to be all muscular when I am most definitely still squishy?) He's having to shave his face (and I tease him that he needs to do something with those armpits and legs).

I am excited for him. Really! I'm not just saying that. I'm excited because I remember well what it felt like to have your whole future and the promise to make it whatever you want to right in front of you.
I'm excited to see the choices he makes and watch him grow and learn and become what I'm sure will be a wonderful man.
But I am overcome with grief at the idea of him moving out. I have spent every second of the past 14 years and 3 months focusing on him and enjoying his presence. What will I do when he leaves?
I keep trying to just focus on NOW and know that I have AT LEAST 4 more years of him being in the house. (hopefully more like 8). I just know that if I don't start preparing myself a little at a time that I will absolutely meltdown when the time comes.

I AM looking very much forward to watching him go through High School, though. I just don't want to blink and realize he's getting ready to walk down that isle and receive his diploma! He's all nervous that upperclassmen really will take Freshmen in to bathrooms and give them swirlies. I told him that stuff just happens on tv, but maybe don't broadcast the fact that he plays Dungeons and Dragons, lmao! He just shook his head at me.

SO, mom's who might read my blog who have dealt with this.... help me out. How do you deal?

Bits and Bobs

2009-07-31T08:48:00.009-05:00

As you all are probably aware: It's FRIDAY! Which generally means that my attention span is far too short to carry on a long post. So, today you get Bits And Bobs of my week, my thoughts, my neurosis:

My dad and step-mom are out of town this week and I am supposed to be gathering eggs and veggies and distributing them. One day in and I already forgot. Hope those chickens don't get all freaked out and stop laying. Or go all gangwars on me when I walk in the coop tonight!

I can't seem to write a post it note right side up, so there are upside down notes sticking all over the bottom of my computer screen.

We are convinced that Talky Pete is now doing drug deals on the parking lot with T-Dub's unemployed brother-in-law. I am thinking of telling him the boss has ordered a pee test just to see how bad he freaks out. Then when he gets over the shock, I'm thinking of actually suggesting to the boss that he order a pee test. heh heh heh. Hey, I have a small dark side and it must come out and play occasionally. Besides, the guy's a douche.

I almost called in sick this morning and I'm not even sick. That is just SO not me. I was telling this to hubby on the way to work and he laughed at me. LAUGHED AT ME! He said, "Gert, you may have fantasized, but there's no way you actually considered it." So much for my being a rebel today.

Every time our vet castrates something at the house, he feeds the er.... testes to my red healer. Maybe I don't want my dog eating balls. I'm just saying.

I was a little disappointed Obama chose Bud Light for his drink of choice at the "Beer Summit" this week. And I think Budweiser should consider some truth in advertising. Perhaps something like:
Bud Light - Because a headache and the shits... Well, that's just how I roll.

I was absolutely shocked that the government suspended the Cash for Clunkers program after a mere 3 days. Our dealership did not manage to put a SINGLE one of these deals together thanks to all of the bureaucracy and paperwork. I guess I should be relieved. I was under the impression our government didn't have any money anyway...How were they going to pay us for these deals?

My plans for the weekend include a trip to Barnes and Noble and a trail ride that I may remember to take pictures of (fingers crossed).

AND last, but certainly not least: I wish you all a wonderful weekend full of whatever it is you are wishing for.

Check out Friday Fragments at Half Past Kissing Time!

Lookie What's Growing in My Garden!

2009-07-30T08:55:00.009-05:00

I love my tomatoes. My radishes were delicious. Now we're to the important stuff:

A little vision of my favorite season: FALL
Which has within it my favorite holiday: Halloween
Because it kicks off my favorite time of the year: The Holiday Season.
Which contains all of my favorite things: Food, Family, Friends, Fun, Dinners, Giving, Gifts, SNOW, Warm Fabulous Clothes!!

Can you believe the sight of one little pumkin brought all of this to mind!?
I LOVE MY PUMKIN!!

I canNOT Believe...

2009-07-29T08:51:00.002-05:00

I forgot yesterday was Totally Awkward Tuesday!! It's my favorite blog day now because I have like a thousand Awkward stories. DANG!
By the way, this is my 2nd post for today, so don't forget to read below for the REAL one!

How to Jinx Yourself In Just Five Easy Steps

2009-07-29T08:27:00.004-05:00

#1. Listen to your great aunt's story about how she got stung in the face by a red wasp that morning and is now headed to the hardware store for wasp bombs.

#2. Tell great aunt how you have literally not been stung in twenty years and how you have stopped buying epi pens because you think you've just figured out how to avoid being stung and that it's been so long now you doubt you would even have an allergic reaction if you DID get stung. (smile wisely)

#3. Go to lunch with husband the very day you had the conversation with great aunt.

#4. Accidentally piss off a bunch of red wasps.

#5. Get stung

Following the above self jinxing procedure, wait for your tongue to swell up and then take benadryl. Try not to fall asleep at work.

Thanks for tuning in to How to Jinx Yourself In Just Five Easy Steps!

A Clearcut Case of More Balls than Brains...

2009-07-28T10:41:00.003-05:00

So about 3 months ago, this man walked into the Ford dealership where I work and started talking to one of the salesmen. He had just inherited a 600 acre beef farm and a lot of money and he was needing a few vehicles. He ordered a couple of brand new trucks, a new Flex, a 2010 Shelby Mustang Cobra GT and picked out three used vehicles that we already had on the lot. We all thought that was an awful lot of cars, everyone envied the salesman that had waited on the guy. Except my husband. My husband said, "You mark my words...That man is a snake in the grass."
Well, a bounced Seventy Four THOUSAND dollar check and two stolen vehicles (because the check for them had bounced) later, we figured out that hubby was on to something.

I stand behind my boss's philosophy of running this place with trust even though I know some of you are probably thinking HOW COULD HE TAKE A 74K CHECK WITHOUT VERIFYING FUNDS!? He's been in this business a LONG time and has never been burned before now. Our customers LOVE the laid back atmosphere here and thankfully, this hasn't affected him in such a way that he is going to change that. Obviously, he did turn the check over to the prosecuting attorney and press charges.

Anyway, upon doing some research, we figured out that this guy had been in some serious trouble a year ago for Squatting in someone's home after writing the guy a 7k bad check. We looked up the case files that he has or has had in the past and GEEZ, there were a lot of them. Including being sued by his own father-in-law.

Yesterday, the police finally recovered one of the stolen vehicles and this morning when we got to work, it was sitting here on our lot. Looks good - not damaged or anything. We're glad to have it back and hoping one of the many customers who have called on it in the past little bit will still be in the market.
BUT HERE'S THE KICKER: In the glovebox of the returned stolen truck WERE PAPERS WHERE HE HAD GONE TO ANOTHER DEALERSHIP AND ORDERED ANOTHER MUSTANG!!! This guy is OUT OF CONTROL! We promptly called the other dealership hoping they hadn't already put the order in for this car - they had NOT, thank goodness.

If you hadn't already guessed, the inherited farm and money were both lies. According to the police and prosecuting attorney, this guy is going to prison when they catch him and rightly so. I just cannot begin to imagine what would cause a person to live their lives like this. It's just insane. And maybe literally insane. It IS certain that this dude has a huge set of juevos and a teeny tiny brain.

Paint Job Anyone?

2009-07-27T09:36:00.001-05:00

I had heard the rumors, but I didn't believe them to be true until now.
You see, my office has two enormous windows leading out into the showroom of the dealership. As I was sitting here working this morning, this is what took place:

A very large man entered the show room. I smiled in the friendly manner I always do when a customer enters the building.
I saw a quick movement to my left and looked up to see Talky Pete RUSHING around his office with a terrified look on his face.
As the large man went over to the Service and Parts window, Talky taped a sign to the men's room door. I leaned forward to see what it said: SORRY, OUT OF ORDER.
Then I began this conversation with Talky:

What in hell are you doing? That bathroom isn't out of order.

Yes it IS!

No it's not.

STOP IT!! That's the GUY! The one who ALWAYS uses our bathroom and sprays crap everywhere!

Come on, you're exaggerating.

NO I'M NOT! HE CRAPS ALL OVER THE TOILET AND THE WALL AND THEN I HAVE TO CLEAN IT UP!

The wall? Really?

Then my husband pops around the corner: YES, GERTIE, THE WALL!

Which is when I said: YOU TAKE THAT SIGN DOWN RIGHT NOW BEFORE HE GOES IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM!

My husband had told me about this guy. About how every single time he comes in for an oil change, he uses the bathroom and every single time he uses the bathroom, he sort of explodes in there. I figured he was just being ridiculous. After seeing the general reaction this guy garnered upon entering the dealership, I decided maybe it wasn't just sillyness after all.

The man is sitting in the waiting area now. So help me, if he squirts up the women's restroom, I am NOT cleaning it. NEVAH NEVAH NEVAH!!!

So Last Weekend....

2009-07-24T08:51:00.006-05:00

I went to Eureka Springs to run my friend's store. They were off to Dallas for a fun family birthday adventure. I was stoked! Man-Oh-Man!
First of all, I got to stay here:

With a balcony overlooking the main historical street in town:

That's my friend's place. He and his partner are lucky enough to live upstairs from their beautiful store, Spring Street Candle (keep an eye out for a fabulous upcoming giveaway on this blog!!).

So, anyway, I went down Friday night, stopped at the grocery store on the way for a frozen pizza and a bottle of pinot grigio (I know, I know) and then headed upstairs to begin enjoying my mini-vacation.
This would probably be a great time to tell you that I am a scardey-cat the likes of which you have never encountered. I am afraid of my own shadow, ghosts, monsters, spiders, that thing from Jeepers Creepers, goblins, gremlins and a number of other things that do and/or do not exist.
As I was walking up the stairwell to the apartment, I thought to myself "Holy shit! I'm here by myself. This building is OLD. I'll be okay. I'll be okay."

I put all of my stuff down and started preheating the oven so I could warm up my gourmet frozen pizza and decided to check the rest of the place out. My friend had been all excited about me seeing how he had decorated the place and for some reason, he was particularly excited about the master bath. I approached the master bath and noticed that the door was closed. I automatically assumed that, before leaving, he had put something in the bathroom that would scare the ever living crap out of me. (I don't know... maybe Jeepers Creepers is his roommate when I'm not there). Needless to say, he got an enourmous kick out of hearing how I had inched the bathroom door open, little by little, muscles tense and ready to leap into action, only to find that there was nothing in there except a really cute bathroom.
Five minutes later, I carried my grocery bag into the kitchen so I could get my pizza out and oven-ready. As I walked into the kitchen, I saw my reflection in the wood and glass door that leads onto the back porch and noticed THERE WAS SOMETHING WHITE FLOATING BY MY LEG! I went into pure panic mode before realizing it was THE GROCERY BAG I was carrying (I know, scary stuff, huh?)!
Later that night, when I heard the downstairs doorhandle being jiggled, I literally ran around in circles trying to decide what to do. A very scary peek out the door revealed the city police doing their nightly door check of all the downtown businesses.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'll tell you this: Next time I have to stay by myself, I'm getting two bottles of pinot and I'm going to apply them liberally!

Busy Week!

2009-07-23T08:28:00.004-05:00

It's been a very busy week. You may be able to tell that by these embarrasingly short posts, but there's not a lot I can do about that. Normally when I'm in this situation, I'll sit down in the evening and write a post for the next morning but my adorable bunny has chewed through not one, but both of our laptop cords at home. (By the way, if you ever have to buy a new AC adapter for a laptop, go to Ebay!! I got two of them for 21.80 INCLUDING SHIPPING!!).

Anyway, in the absense of my laptop, I've been reading a new series of books. They're supposed to be about a vampire boarding school (yes, I know these are teen books) but I suspect they're actually teen romance (smut) books. Anyway, there are 5"House of Night" books out so far. What have I learned from reading teenage smut books? That my two new favorite words are shitbucket and shitcake. Please try to work one or both of these words into conversation today and then leave comments letting me know how it went...

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!!

It Bearly Happens Here (pun intended)

2009-07-22T09:14:00.005-05:00

Here's what it takes to make a bunch of grown people in my neck of the woods act like Jesus has come home:

We were pretty shocked to see this in our driveway. I don't know anyone who has ever seen one in our area before now, but apparently, there are now at least two out there. As exciting as it was, I was really surprised at the reaction in the area: It was like the First Baptist emergency phone tree had been activated! Within a couple of hours everyone knew about it, was talking about it and had it surrounded in this tree taking pictures of it. At one point, it finally gave up and just took a nap up there. Poor bear. I guess as long as it doesn't decide our bottle calves look like tasty little morsels, I'm fine with it.

Totally Awkward Tuesday

2009-07-21T09:12:00.004-05:00

Don't you hate starting a new job? I always have. You don't really know anyone and you don't generally know what you are doing. It can make for an uncomfortable experience to say the least.
Today's Totally Awkward post deals with my first day working in radio (which I did for many years). I was starting out as the receptionist on a phone system that was outrageously difficult to use, uncomfortable in the shirt they had provided me (with the station logo on it. The shirts were white and I swear to this day that they were somewhat seethrough), several of the men were absolute panting dogs AND the place was total chaos. Not a great start.
As lunch time rolled around, I learned that it was my daily duty to order lunch for all of the managers. There was a great little restaurant just down the street and I was to call and find out what the specials were. I did. This is what I heard the restaurant lady say:
"Today's special is the prime rib sandwich with au jus and your choice of super salad."
As luck would have it (I thought), all the managers were gathered together in the conference room having just finished a meeting. I entered the room and announced that day's special:
"Prime rib sandwich with au jus and your choice of super salad. I guess you guys know about the different super salads. They didn't really go over that on the phone."
I was met with several blank stares - the ones that are coupled with a look that says a person is about to break out into hysterical laughter, but they're waiting for their brains to process what's going on first and make sure they've heard you correctly. I would say that lasted for a full (very quiet) 4 seconds before the sales manager said, "Is there any chance that what they said was soup OR salad rather than super salad?" The look on my face must have told them everything they needed to know. They all died laughing.
After calling the restaurant AGAIN to find out what soup they were serving that day, I finished ordering for them and somehow managed not to die of embarassment.
I worked at that particular station for two years and I would bet there was not a single day that went by in which some smartass didn't walk up to me while I was having lunch and ask if I was having a super salad...

For more TAT fun, don't forget to visit The Secret Life of Tova Darling!

Yawn...

2009-07-20T09:33:00.001-05:00

I'm so tired! My brain is not working correctly. I had a great weekend, but I can't get my thoughts together enough to blog about it.
I'm just going to go read your blogs instead...

Rodeo Within a Rodeo

2009-07-17T08:53:00.004-05:00

We went to our little town's rodeo last night. The 52nd annual Rockin A Saddle Club rodeo. I have always wondered what having a heart attack might feel like and last night I may have come close to finding out.

Let me set this story up for you:
All of our kids took their horses so they could ride around before the rodeo and ride the grand entry.
My husband took my mare and one that he has for sale. He rode mine and led the other along with him (with neon orange for sale signs on her no less). At some point, my sister in law wanted to know if she could ride one of them, so hubby said sure - you ride Gertie's and I'll ride For Sale Horse. Well, the one he has for sale has not been ridden very many times - he just started breaking her to ride, so she doesn't know anything and hasn't seen much.
You also need to know that my son's horse (Beau) is widely known to be one of the most fantastic horses EVER. We are constantly having to turn down offers on him because he's beautiful, classy and unusually well-behaved. HOWEVER, he has not been ridden double (where someone sits in the saddle and another person sits behind it).

Back to the heart-attack:
My Sister In Law got on my horse and did just fine. My husband got on For Sale Horse and she wanted to buck, but he got her under control and went on down the arena. My son rode by with a very cute little girl on the back of his horse (again - son's horse not used to this, but looked like he couldn't care less about the extra passenger). I said to my son, "Hey, why don't you catch up with your step daddy and ride alongside him for awhile so that For Sale Horse will feel more confident." <---Remember this so you know who to blame for the upcoming scene:

Pea Pie began to trot his horse so that he could catch up with Hubby.
The cute girl behind Pea Pie began to bounce.
THAT is the moment that I suspect Beau discovered that he did, in fact, HAVE an extra passenger.
I'm no mind reader, but I think I can say with some certainty that Pea-Pie's horse was thinking a little something like this:

HEY THERE'S SOMETHING ON MY BUTT!
IT'S BOUNCING ON MY BUTT!
HEY, THERE REALLY IS SOMETHING ON MY BUTT! MAYBE IF I RUN REALLY FAST I CAN GET AWAY FROM IT! (and then he did. Like a bat out of hell.)
HEY! FOR SALE HORSE! THERE'S SOMETHING ON MY BUTT! LOOK! (and as he ran past, the cute girl slid off of him, pulling Pea-Pie right along with her. Pea Pie FLAILED right into the side of For Sale Horse)
WHOA! FOR SALE HORSE! YOU CAN BUCK REALLY HARD! LOOK AT YOU GO! HEY, THAT THING'S NOT ON MY BUTT ANYMORE!!!

My poor son and the little girl I am sure he was trying to impress had fallen off right there in front of Bob and everybody (Pea Pie said he slid all the way down the arena on one buttcheek which is still red and maintains were it not for the girl dragging him down, he wouldn't have fallen). Hubby took one helluva ride all the way down one side of the arena, but managed to stay on. Pea Pie's horse ran right into the roping box and stood there waiting for his boy to come and catch him.
I ran (or what sort of passes for running) down to everyone to make sure they were all okay. And then I realized... That was ALL MY FAULT. And then I wondered would anyone remember that I had caused that? On the way home, when everyone was chatting about the evening and I thought noone would ever know it was me who caused this whole scene, Pea Pie said, "Mom, you know if you hadn't told me to catch up to For Sale Horse, none of that would have happened..."
BUSTED!!

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince...and me.

2009-07-16T08:27:00.005-05:00

You may or may not know, but I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan. I didn't pick up one of the books until there were already 4 of them out and my grown cousin insisted I give it a try. Well, like many, I was hooked.
I went to buy the 5th, 6th and 7th books at midnight on their release dates and I've been to the midnight showing of all of the movies that had a midnight showing near our town.
So, this week I thought, maybe I better go get our tickets in advance. There were nine of us meeting there - more adults than children. I went Monday evening and as I was walking up to the theater, realized I was by myself. This could be slightly embarrassing. There were other adults in line for tickets to that evenings (normal grown-up) movies. I felt my face get really hot as I had this conversation with the ticket kid:

(whispering): Hi, I'd like 9 tickets to tomorrow's midnight showing of Harry Potter.

What?

(clearing throat and speaking just a LITTLE more loudly): I said I'd like 9 tickets to tomorrow's midnight showing of Harry Potter.

(Practically yelling): You need NINE tickets? (pause) TO HARRY POTTER?

(sigh) Yes, the midnight showing please. (smiling at the grown-ups standing in the next line).

We showed up, the next night at midnight, and the movie was sold out (ha! I KNEW I should get those tickets in advance!). I have never seen a sold out movie in this town, but there it was. We got there early, got our popcorn and etc. and I walked around feeling PRETTY DARN SMART until... We walked into the actual screen room and... had to sit on the VERY front row! Seems I wasn't the only smart one - in fact, I was one of the least.

Two and a half hours and a very stiff neck later I announced that I would sit on the front row and watch it again right that very minute, though. It was BRILLIANT! Loved it. For having strayed so far from the book, I thought it was very well done.

Yesterday, as I sat here at work trying not to fall asleep at my desk, I told my husband that the next time I wanted to go see a midnight movie during the workweek to please remind me that I am OLD and I have to WORK and... to go earlier because at least then I won't have a stiff neck the next day.

Word Verification

2009-07-15T07:00:00.001-05:00

I've noticed on some of your blogs that I have to type in a word to verify I'm a human leaving a comment and not some robot spammer.
I totally get that. Take Twitter for example - I'm not sure anyone on Twitter has more robot sex addicts following them than I do, so I do totally get it.
I just find some of the actual words for word verification funny. I know they are supposed to be randomly created, but I can't help picture some nerdy little guy with horn-rimmed glasses behind a massive computer somewhere typing in words like:

floofer
smickle
lurfle
snarksome

and then giggling while we type it in for verification.

I have been very tempted to make THAT the actual subject of the comments I leave.
Like hey, Georgie, I had to type in farkler to leave this comment, lol.

Or hiya WeaselMomma, I had to type in flarfitude to leave this comment, ha ha ha.

So far, I've been able to refrain, but you just never know...

Dorkism Defined

2009-07-13T17:36:00.004-05:00

I've been reading about Tova Darling's Totally Awkward Tuesdays for a few weeks now. I knew right away, this was something I could do every week for years without running out of stories, so I decided to just jump feet first this week into the icy waters of (DUM DUH DAH <---scary noises) Junior High School.

I went to a small school where K-12, we were all in one big building. Jr. High and High School kids took some classes (like band) together. I had a huge crush on this high school boy. Now understand that many of these posts could start this way because I was a hormonal mess and generally had a new huge crush every week or so. This particular boy was popular - football player, drummer in the band, basketball, baseball - you know the boy. I also thought he was good looking, although having pulled out a high school yearbook recently, I can't remember why I thought that. But I did. I was probably paying more attention to his butt for some reason than his face. What is about teenage girls and butts? Honestly, when it comes to high school boys, the only possible function a butt could serve is to stink up a school bus or a classroom. But, there's a chance that I am just babbling to put off the really embarrasing part:

I had gone to babysit for the son of a friend of my dad's. He was only a toddler, so in bed by 8pm. I noticed that these folks had a typewriter in their living room, and I was just dying to try it out. With my mind constantly screaming the crush-boy's name at me (Ryan by the way), the only obvious thing I could do was to type him a letter. So I did. And I swear to all that is good and holy, it went a little something like this:

Dear Ryan,
I think you're super cute. I really want to get to know you better. Sometimes it's hard to imagine when we would have time - the school hallways are always so busy. But I wanted to give you this letter so that you might take the time to talk to me. Just know that I want you to like me for me and NOT for the material things that surround me.
Love always,
Gertrude

Yes, I DID launch into some Madonna lyrics. Looking back, I can't imagine what I was thinking for SO many reasons. What kind of message was I trying to send? I didn't even HAVE any material things, for the love of Pete.
My friend, who I excitedly let read the letter before taking it to him for me BEGGED me not to give it to him. I couldn't imagine why. She did give it to him, though, right in the lunch room. Where he took it to the table. And read it in front of ALL of his friends.
I know you're wondering, "GERTIE!? Did he run over to your table and pronounce his undying love for you right that very moment over your plate of beefy mac and green beans!?" The shocking answer is NO. He did NOT.
But thinking back, I must have somehow put that incident completely out of my mind for the remainder of the years he and I attended school together because I can remember several conversations with him in which I did not melt away in embarrassment while remembering that letter.
And the other day, he requested to add me on Facebook. I had to stop and wonder momentarily, "Is he doing this so that he can show all of his new grown up friends the girl who wrote that letter!?"

The Natural Scheme of Things

2009-07-13T08:39:00.002-05:00

Hang on to your seats because I need to purge. Sorry, in advance, for the darkness, but I swear there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Call me crazy (you wouldn't be the first), but I think there should be some sort of natural flow to a family. I think the older folks should act like the older folks - mature, caring, concerned, sharing...
There's been a huge shift in my family for some time now. I guess it's not as much in my family as the way I view them and the tolerance I have for their non-traditional roles.
My mom is a drunk. She has been for a long time now. Why not? She comes from a long line of them herself - on both sides of her family. Her dad, her mom's dad, several uncles, etc. etc. Her brother is the same (although he is, at least, nice).
My biological father has never had anything to do with me, although I will give him the credit of saying that he tried. There was a phone call. It took about 30 seconds of that to figure out he, too, is a drunk. Didn't pursue that little relationship as there are plenty of alcoholics in my life already.
My adopted dad is... Well, maybe the most bitchy and judgemental person you have ever met in your life. Has not a kind word for me, my step sisters, my step mother or a stranger and seldom for his grandchildren- is only nice to his friends.
Last week was tough for me. Last week I got into an argument with my mom's mom who I had long ago deemed about the only sane person in my family. She has done a LOT for me in my life and she's about the only one (friends aside - I have the BEST friends). But family-wise, gramma was it. As I said, there's been a dramatic change in the way I view my family. Sort of a letting go of them so that I could purge my life of the negativity. It's what I need. I've begun to see them as a sort of cancerous growth - one on the surface that just needs to be lopped off so that the rest of me can be truly healthy. Gramma was the last hold out - the one who, in my mind, was the good one. I had to be honest with myself after the argument - she HAS done a lot of good things for me in my life. That does not mean she IS good for me. She is the single most negative person you will ever meet. Behold the conversation that took place, causing our argument, causing the light to come on above my head pointing out that this conversation was the same as ALL our conversations:
I called her and -

Hello?
Hi Gramma! I just wanted to make sure you knew our trip to Eureka Springs was next weekend and not this one.
Yes, of course I realize that. What time are you meeting me?
6:30 on Friday.
Okay, so 6:00 on Friday at Wal-Mart?
No, 6:30 on Friday. I don't get off work until 6:00.
Oh, okay. Are we taking my car?
Sure, I know you don't like to leave it parked like that.
Oh, good! So 6:00 on Friday. (are you starting to see why I might have thought she would be confused about which weekend?)
No gramma, 6:30 - maybe you better write it down.
Okay. I guess I'll have to make this call a short one because (in the most horrible and sarcastic voice you could imagine) I have to go to Cletas for a Birthday Party...
(trying to ignore the horrible attitude) Oh, cool! What did you get her?
A stupid yard ornament. She likes those horrible things, has at LEAST 4 of them in her front yard. I suppose she'll like it, but if she doesn't, it's not my problem. They're always inviting me to stupid birthday parties and stupid Christmas parties. And ALL they EVER give you is candles! Candles for your birthday, candles for Christmas. Who wants all those damned candles!? It's ridiculous!
-Please remember that this conversation is a replica of ALL conversations with her, no matter what the subject. This is where I just sorta lost it and said: Gramma, you know if you go on this trip with me we are NOT bitching about everything, we are NOT discussing family or ALL of the things you DON'T like.
Of course I know that! All you people think that everytime I open my mouth, I'm bitching about something.
Because it's TRUE!

And then she started to cry. Great. I made my gramma cry. I felt like a horrible piece of shit for two days. Like I had a bowling ball in my stomach.
And then I realized: I am sad that I do not have a traditional family. I am sad that I don't and never have had a mom or a grandma to run to with my troubles or to sit and talk happily with. An elder woman who would hug me and teach me. I see that grandmotherly person in my mind - someone to sit and talk quietly with over a cup of coffee or to teach me about gardening or sewing or the many wonderful gifts of knowledge women that age have. But for a long time now, I have been confusing that picture in my mind with what I really have been given. And they are not the same. Nor will they ever be.
So, it does not follow the natural scheme of things that I should become the matriarch of my family in my mid-thirties, but I have already waited too long for changes that will not come.
From this day forward, my family starts with me. I AM that momma that my son can come to for advice or hugs or conversation or sympathy. I WILL BE that gramma and hopefully live long enough to be that great-gramma. I AM that friend. I am blessed with: wonderful friends who have wonderful families who love and accept me the way I am - even love me for it. I am blessed with a strong, sensible husband who, I believe, is as thankful for having found me as I am for finding him. I am blessed with a talented, intelligent, independent son who I am certain will be a wonderful adult. I. AM. BLESSED. I. AM. THANKFUL. I. AM. MOVING. ON.

Friday Frivolity

2009-07-10T08:10:00.003-05:00

It's FRIDAY!!! I'm probably the only person also celebrating the fact that it's RAINING!!! I also got a little email in my inbox this morning saying that Black Crowes tickets are going on sale today for a November concert in St. Louis. What other happy wonders will this day hold!? I'm all a titter!
As always, wishing all of you a fun, safe weekend!!

Where's the Perspective?

2009-07-09T07:00:00.001-05:00

I know we are all sick and tired of hearing about Michael Jackson. I'm shocked I'm even blogging about it 2 days after the televised memorial service. TELEVISED... What!?
Love him or hate him. Believe he was a child molester, believe he was a tortured genius or believe he was both. I don't know what I believe and I never gave it much thought really because I'm just not that IN to celebrity. I get more excited about knowing a couple of local authors than I would if, say, Colin Farrel walked into my office right now. Johnny Depp is the exception simply because (perfect looks aside) he fascinates me. But even with the great JD, I am quite certain I wouldn't run around like a crazy person crying and trying to touch the hems of his...er...jeans or whatever.
So last night as we were watching tv and a recap of MJ's memorial service came on (even though the tv said something ELSE was supposed to be playing), I switched the channel... More MJ. I switched the channel... More MJ. I cussed a blue streak and switched again. I finally had to give in to the fact that there was no escape short of the Branson Entertainment Channel and I'm not going there.
I turned to my husband and wondered aloud WHAT THE HELL?! WHY DO PEOPLE CARE SO MUCH!? ARE PEOPLE STILL GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT MY DEATH 2 WEEKS AFTER?! Not a chance! Not even if a giant turd rolled out of the woods and smashed me to death. The giant turd would get more coverage than the fact it caused my death.
I don't GET IT. Michael Jackson was not more important than you are. He was not more valuable in terms of life just because he sold albums and did the moonwalk. He wasn't less valuable, he just wasn't MORE. Try as I might, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that some people worship celebrity. Some people cry and faint and scream and do that weird, frantic hand waving thing because they've seen someone famous.
Where's the perspective?!

Crazy and Dink Update

2009-07-08T07:00:00.000-05:00

Well, the plot doth thicken!

As you may remember from my previous post about Crazy and Dink, my ex husband was in the planning stages of moving out and getting himself a divorce from the craziest woman I've ever had the misfortune of knowing.

Well, he and Pea Pie spent Friday and Saturday packing their belongings (you may recall Crazy had gone out of town for a reunion of some sort) and moving into their new digs. Dink has a custom home builder friend who welcomed them into his rather substantial home, having gotten recently divorced himself. Mind you, Pea Pie is only over there every other week during the summer and weekends during school, but he is quite excited about the aquarium, pool table, peace and quiet and privacy. He's excited that he will be able to take valuable personal belongings with him during his visits without having to worry about them being destroyed by the mini-crazys.
ANYWAY, Dink called Sunday wondering whether he should get a restraining order on Crazy. This made me rather nervous. I mean, it's one thing for me to be referring to her as crazy, it's another to find out he truly believes she is. I jokingly asked if she'd been beating him and he regaled me with this little story:
At a basketball game this past season, they went to watch one of the mini-crazys play. Crazy got angry with Dink and threw a full iced tea in his face in front of the entire gymnasium. Dink was embarrassed and walked out. The school surveylance videos were all in witness as Crazy followed him out of the building and beat him all the way to his truck! That Monday, the Superintendant of schools called her in and informed her that any further such incendents would result in her being banned from school property FOREVER. I suggested that a restraining order might not be such a bad idea. He filed on Monday morning and a temporary order was put in place. I can't tell you how happy I would be to be a fly on the wall when she gets served with that thing (heaven help the server).
I asked Pea-Pie if he had just not been telling me all of this stuff because they didn't want me to freak out, but apparently he didn't know either. APPARENTLY, her behavior when Pea-Pie was over there was THE TONED DOWN VERSION. I can't tell you how scary I find that.
Okay, is this just me? Do any of you have similar stories or is this much crazy reserved for me and mine?

A Slice of Home

2009-07-07T07:00:00.003-05:00

This is Big Louie

And I mean BIG Louie

He was my trusty steed on Sunday which was great even despite the fact that halfway through the trail ride, he decided it would be much more fun to jump over anything more than six inches tall than to just walk over. Even when going downhill... I managed to hang on because it's a long way down from up here:

All joking aside, we had a really great ride and I wanted to share some pictures of my beautiful slice of the world, the Missouri Ozarks:

And some of the gang:
The middle "bean" as Georgie Porgie would say:

My Bestie's boy:

Hubby:

Hubby's Bestie (although oddly enough, they simply refuse to call one another Besties. Men...(rollin eyes)):

That's a typical Sunday around here except the high temp was a cool 78 and there was a nice cool breeze blowing. None of that sweating and wondering what we were thinking to leave the air conditioning this time around!

Monday Morning Blues

2009-07-06T08:50:00.002-05:00

Ick. Monday.
It's not only Monday. It's Monday and my husband took a vacation day meaning I am here fending off Talky Pete all by myself.

Wrote a song about it.
Wanna hear it?
Here it goes!

Dum duh da dum!
Sittin in my office
dum duh da dum!
Mindin' my own biz
dum duh da dum!
In walks ole Talky
dum duh da dum!
Don't have to wonder who it is
dum duh da dum!
hadn't shut his mouth
dum duh da dum!
since I walked in today
dum duh da dum!
he's so full of poop
dum duh da dum!
can't believe a word he say!

Yes, this really is how I roll.

Hope you all had a great 4th weekend. We were supposed to go floating on Saturday but decided not to and thankfully so because apparently the creek was low and it rained ALL DAY. We went on a road trip instead and it was a great day for it. Overcast skies meant no sun glaring in my face all day and the temps were quite nice too.
Sunday we went on a 10 mile trail ride. High temp was 78 and there was a nice breeze. Best ride I've been on in a long time. Took a bunch of pics, but forgot to upload them, so hopefully tomorrow I can post those along with the deets.

Here's to a great week for all!

Friday Frivolity!!

2009-07-03T10:37:00.001-05:00

Hope you all have a great, safe 4th of July weekend!!

It's a Man's World??

2009-07-02T08:25:00.005-05:00

I was just sitting here the other day thinking that when I hear stories about men making more money just because they're men, I just can't believe it. It just isn't something I can wrap my head around. Until yesterday.
Yesterday was payday here at the dealership and my husband accidentally received Talky Pete's paycheck due to an error in the office. Well guess what? He makes twice what I do. TWICE. AS. MUCH. AS. I. DO.
We have the same job except my division does twice as much business. So, first of all, I do twice as much work. His job consists of financing vehicles only. Mine consists of signing new business customers, financing their inventory and invoicing them when the deal is done. I spend my spare time (blogging time aside of course) learning Spanish. He spends his opening up virus-y emails and then forwarding them to everyone else. After explaining to him that I don't open his emails because there are usually virus warnings attached, he said, "Well, my computer lets me open them." I said, "Yeah, it LETS you after it WARNS YOU NOT TO." I came in the morning after that very conversation and had another email from him. We all blocked his email address.
He is THE supreme mugwhump of all things moronic and HE'S MAKING DOUBLE WHAT I MAKE.
Needless to say, I'm pissed.
The problem here is that the person who accidentally switched the paychecks is my Aunt who I love dearly and I don't want to get her in trouble by going into the boss's office and pointing this out only to have him ask how I know. I don't want to lie, but in this case, I think I'm going to have to say that I overheard the moron in question talking on the phone...blah blah blah... I WANT A RAISE!
I officially call BS...

Crazy and Dink

2009-07-01T08:12:00.004-05:00

Okay, on with the last weekends happenings:

Friday my son called to inform me that his crazy-assed step mother (we'll just call her Crazy) had topped herself. She put on Facebook that she was getting divorced, thinking my ex (we'll call him Dink)wouldn't see it (rolling eyes), her own daughter (the oldest and only normal one) called Dink and told him...
Well that went over like the proverbial turd in the punchbowl. Dink is all for the idea of divorcing Crazy, but didn't appreciate being blindsided on a public forum. He printed out the page proving she had typed it and then confronted her with it. Crazy then began banging her own head into things and saying she was calling the cops to turn him in for beating her about the head and shoulders. (Dink is many things, but abusive is not one of them). Dink took Crazy's phone from the dresser. Crazy took Dink's phone and broke it in half then ran it under water. Much yelling ensued. Crazy's middle daughter jumped on Dink and began punching him. And that's when Pea-Pie decided he'd had enough and yanked Girl Crazy off of his dad.
Mind you, this happened Thursday night. The following conversation took place between my son and I Friday morning:

Pea-Pie: Explains whole sordid story.
Me: WHY ARE YOU JUST NOW CALLING ME!?
Pea-Pie: Crazy hid my phone so I couldn't call last night. I finally found it.
Me: (much stuttering, spluttering)PACK YOUR STUFF, I'M COMING TO GET YOU NOW!

Then I had to explain to my boss why I had to leave for an hour in the middle of the day while watching him picture some Jerry Springer lifestyle which I (capital I) do NOT live except by association with this bunch of turds.
The next call was to Dink to explain to him that I was PISSED that he had not called me (I don't care Crazy broke your phone in half and ran it under water, GO TO THE NEIGHBORS!). And that from this point forward and forever more Crazy had better never get within 500 feet of my son or I'M going to go Jerry Springer and see how SHE likes it!
He is moving out this Saturday while Crazy is at some kind of reunion.
I hate for him that he now has a 3rd failed marriage under his belt, but to hell with that mess, I've got a son to try and raise like a normal human being.
Pea-Pie is probably about to go crazy from all the "That is NOT normal behavior" talks I've given him. He SWEARS he understands that and that we've taught him how to deal with conflict and have normal discussions, etc. etc. etc. (until he's blue in the face)

Isn't it funny that Crazy and Dink live in a nice big house, while I live in a trailer and yet I'm not the Trailer Trash? Go figure.

Now I've Gone and Done It!

2009-06-30T08:46:00.003-05:00

I did what I swore I wouldn't do: I didn't post for days and days and days.
I've been battling with the choice between posting even though I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say that particular day or just putting it off. Mix that with being so busy it's ridiculous and there you have it. I'm sure I'll sort it all out.

4th of July is on it's way. We had decided to go floating on Saturday and then trail riding on Sunday. Then we called our friend who is "keeper of the boats" and found out they had been stolen out of his yard. Mind you, they're HIS boats, but it was still a let down. They were flatbottom boats and I REFUSE to ride with my husband in a canoe ever again. Any man who doesn't know that he is responsible for keeping the boat upright while his wife screams and leans to one side to avoid giant spider webs is not a man who should be in a canoe. I don't CARE that it was actually fishing line caught in a tree, it LOOKED like giant spider webs.
Anyway, I think the float trip is off. The trail ride will be on unless it storms.
"Where do you want to go riding Sunday," I asked my friend.
"Piney," he answered.
"Oh, you mean the same place we went last weekend when MY HORSE GOT HURT!?"
"Yeah."
"Fine, I'll ride one of my husband's horses."

Talky Pete has finally driven me over the edge. Last Friday my son was here at work with me and Talky somehow lured him into his office (no doubt thinking they'd be about the same maturity level - thank goodness my son is more grown up). He started talking to my 14-year-old about chewing tobacco. CHEW! WTF'nF??? You don't talk to my son about chew unless you're telling him it's a horrible habit! That's when I snapped. He has hovered around my office a few times since but hasn't dared to enter or talk to me. I did catch him giving me horrible dirty looks yesterday, though. At least he's still good for a laugh occasionally.

There's a lot more to get caught up on, but I'll continue tomorrow with the saga of the ex's psycho wife and the kid who stalked my son through the candle shop this weekend. Good times!

VOILA! Inspiration...

2009-06-25T09:21:00.002-05:00

Had lunch with a couple of good friends of mine yesterday and it has so inspired me. I'm the type who gets inspiration, remembers I'm a somewhat talented individual in a few areas, goes gung-ho for a little while and then just kind of peters out.
I don't know what's wrong with me, that's just the way it works. I need to make sure I hang out with those who inspire me more frequently.

So, today, I would love to know what inspires you! What sparks your creativity? What keeps you focused?

Come on now, I'd like to see more than 2 comments on this one...

I have long been thinking of writing a monthly article for one of the local newspapers detailing some of the area's local history and folklore. Today, I will be approaching the editor about it, so wish me luck!

Migraine Medication Commercials

2009-06-24T09:00:00.003-05:00

I've noticed a definite trend in migraine commercials:
They all have bright flashing lights and loud noises in them. Now everyone who has ever known anyone who has even THOUGHT about having a migraine, KNOWS that bright flashing lights and loud noises are not a good thing. Along with smells (I'm surprised they haven't invented scratch and sniff television yet and I'm sure when they do, migraine medication manufactures will add an offensive odor to their commercials as well).

The Excedrin and Imitrex commercials are bad. Jackhammer noises, horn noises, sunlight, other flashing lights, etc.

Head-On is just loud and repetitive: HEAD ON, APPLY DIRECTLY TO YOUR FOREHEAD! HEAD ON APPLY DIRECTLY TO YOUR FOREHEAD! HEAD ON!!

I tell you what medication I am going to start using: The one that has a commercial with a dark screen and a quiet, soothing voice nicely explaining that they understand migraines and have a medication that will help.

Bits and Bobs

2009-06-23T08:32:00.003-05:00

Lordy we've been busy at the farm! Bottle calves are growing like weeds in their pens. Weeds growing like bottle calves in the garden. Everyone sweating while standing still - the humidity is so high it feels like breathing under water. Ah, summer - you silly bastard. I wish the 3 months kids got out of school were Autumn months instead of Summer - we'd have a lot more fun at my house.

I skipped a few days blogging for several reasons:
Busy.
Figured out that many bloggers put a lot of effort into these posts, writing them ahead of time, taking time to edit them, having other people proof read them. It kind of intimidated me or at least made me feel bad for not putting all of that effort in... I think I'm over it now.

Learned some VERY important things on Father's Day - this according to my own father:
This country is broke. I wouldn't have known that because young people do not want to watch the news, they just want to vote for Obama.
I have no retirement plan whatsoever (I didn't know this until dad told me - I thought my husband and I had it all figured out, but according to dad, we've never discussed it).
We have too many horses.
My "habit" of changing jobs all the time is going to cause us to go broke. (Next time I'm working for a company that is going out of business, I will make sure and let them know dad says I can't change jobs. That should make all the difference in the world. I worked for THREE such companies last year - sure wish dad had this talk with me before now...)
Dad, he's a real knee-slapper.

The highlight of Father's Day really was funny, though. My husband and I went horseback riding on conservation land with a few of our friends. One of them always thinks he's got to play practical jokes on others. Sunday, he thought that his joke was going to be to take us through deep water on our horses so that I would get wet and complain the rest of the day. He missed the fact that his horse was a good six inches shorter than mine. Guess who ended up with the itchy butt for the rest of the day. It wasn't me...

Now we're in a heat advisory. ick ick and more ick!
Stay cool wherever you are!

Drive-Thru Bumper Cars, Teenage Boys and Boobs

2009-06-18T10:36:00.003-05:00

Last night, when I got home from work, hubby already had my horse caught and him and I and the two girls (hubbies beautiful daughters - 16 and 19 years old) headed up to the rodeo arena for some riding/training. We rode until it was dark, hauled the horses home and after all the 4-leggers were fed and put away, we realized it was 9:30 and we were STARVING. The girls left and hubby and I went inside to see if Pea-Pie and his little friend wanted to go to town with us and get a milk shake or something. (I only neglect the adults in the household - the boys had already eaten supper). They agreed and off we went.
We decided on Braums (best french fries AND milkshakes ever) and wheeled through the drive through. While sitting in line waiting, (who would have thought Braums would be so busy in a small town at 10pm!?), my SUV suddenly lurched forward and made a horrible noise. Several things happened at that point that still have me laughing. This is how the scene played out:

Pea Pie (14 years old) used my signature phrase in times of distress, yelling: "YOU GOTTA BE SHITTIN' ME!?
He was the first to realize we had been rear ended and we had a talk about his potty mouth when the incident was all over (!!!).
Hubby got out of the car to check the damage while I watched in my side mirror as the girl driving the car behind me opened her door and stepped out amidst a mushroom cloud of weed smoke. She had on a bikini top and a strapless halter top which got snagged on her door and almost came off. She made some lame-o excuse for hitting us, hubby pointed out that what she had hit was my trailer hitch and her car was the only one damaged, she apologized and thanked us 47 times for not being angry.
Hubby got back in with us and shut the door. 5 full seconds of complete silence were then followed with:

Pea-Pie: Dude, I thought her shirt was coming off.
Pea-Pie's Friend: I KNOW!!! I did too!
Pea-Pie: I was like, YEAHHHHHH!!!!!
Both boys: Hysterical laughter...

Men are at least consistent about one thing - from birth to death they sure do like boobs, don't they?

Father's Day Approacheth!

2009-06-17T08:33:00.004-05:00

So, what do you give the man who has everything? Food, of course! This is what my dad gets on his birthday and Father's Day and he goes crazy over it (that means he gives me a half smile and says, "Well, thanks Aim."):
I think this is a Paula Deen recipe, but not sure as my meemaw is the one who gave it to me. I know it's rich like Paula Deen's food and my grandma is a big fan of hers, so I'm assuming. I KNOW it's a sure-fire crowd pleaser.

Banana Pudding:

Ingredients:
2 packages Pepperidge Farm Chessman cookies (do yourself a favor and don't try to replace these with Nilla Wafers)
1 can sweetened, condensed milk
1 12 ounce tub of cool whip
1 large box of French Vanilla Instant Pudding (I can never find the 5oz boxes, so I get 2 of the small boxes and guess at combining them to 5 oz)
6-8 bananas. (the more the merrier)
1 package of cream cheese.
2 cups of milk

Directions:
-In a very very large bowl - I can't express how important it is to take me seriously on this - YA NEED A BIG BOWL - combine the pudding powder and milk and use a blender to blend it smooth.
-In another medium bowl, blend the cream cheese and condensed milk until smooth and then fold in the whipped cream.
-Take the cream cheese, whipped cream, condensed milk mixture and pour into the bowl of pudding, mixing it all together until smooth and evenly blended.
-Cover the bottom of a 13x9 inch pan with a layer of the cookies. (you can also use 2 of the small square cake pans instead and give 2 gifts or keep one for yourself).
-cover cookies with a layer of sliced bananas
-cover bananas with a layer of the pudding mixture
-layer of bananas
-layer of pudding mixture
-layer of bananas
-cover with remaining cookies and put in fridge.

You can't make this up very far ahead because, of course, the bananas start to turn brown. (unless you are really little miss suzie homemaker and decide to soak them in lemon juice first. That's not my style - I don't have a style).

I swear to you, make this for ANYONE (who doesn't hate bananas) and they will be begging you for more!

Just Like Karaoke....Sorta.

2009-06-16T08:40:00.005-05:00

I never, in my wildest blogging dreams, thought I would be posting about this, but here we are:

Definition taken from the web:
In the past, anyone who didnt have musical talent could release their creative juices by playing Air Guitar. Well why cant the same be true for people who have never had sex? Thats why Air Sex is sweeping Japan as the latest craze.

It's on a 16 stop tour of the USA, you know, kinda like how Karaoke got it's start.
Imagine going into a bar and watching a line of people take their 2 minute turn at "air-sex." They are allowed to talk and (gulp) use props, but must remain fully clothed. In the 2 minutes, they must act out meeting, seducing having foreplay and then doing the deed.

I can see that there would be people who would do this. After all, there are people who do a lot of things I'll never have a good reason for. But a 16 city tour!? In the USA? Who does this attract!? (please don't let it be the Dungeons and Dragons crowd - my son still plays every Wednesday and no gramma, they're not worshiping the devil in his friend's basement).

You can youtube for videos. I swear they are on there. I got embarrassed for the people in the videos and couldn't bring myself to post one on here. Wonder what you get if you win one of these competitions?

Well, Happy Blogging!
I have to go take a shower now...

Monday Laugh...

2009-06-15T09:39:00.002-05:00

...And In This Corner...

2009-06-12T08:11:00.001-05:00

Gertie's migraine.
It is a one-round fight and I'm losing, so I'll see you all Monday.
Have a great weekend!

The Tale of Two Hatties

2009-06-11T08:54:00.004-05:00

When my son was born, my grandmother (meemaw) came down from Kansas City to visit and welcome her new and only great-grandchild in the world. Bless her heart, she must have believed the child was doomed to nekkidness because she brought 11 outfits for him. These weren't practical baby outfits, these were the kind with matching hats and booties and all the fancy this-n-that.
Fast forward 4 years. At that time, I was blessed to be able to work from home and spend the days with my little boy. On one such day, I was at my computer working when I heard a strange noise. It was whining, although I was unable to figure that out at first. It was sort of a scared (but not too scared), freaked out (but not sure how freaked to be) and kind of half crying sound. It was getting louder by the second.
My son, who was then 4-years-old had found a little sailor's hat that belonged to one of those original outfits that grandma had bought for him and, yes, he had stuck it on his head. A hat made for a 3-month-old does not fit too well on a 4-year-old head. The noise I was hearing was him whining while walking through the house and pulling on the hat so hard that his little face kept lifting up.
I tried REALLY hard not to laugh. For about 3 seconds I tried the "awwwwwww, it'll be okay buddy," approach. At the 4th second, I was howling uncontrollably which caused him to start laughing too. The more he pulled, the harder we both laughed and he remembers the incident to this day.
So, imagine my surprise when, last week, I heard, "MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" In that same kind of tone I heard over the hat incident. I had just bought the rabbit a new little soft hut for her pen. Pea-Pie was opening it for me and...stuck it on his head. AND...GOT IT STUCK! I had to cut a slit in it with the scissors to get it off. I'm wondering now if I can expect this about every 10 years from him. Come to think of it, at that rate, next time he does it his wife can just deal with it!

My Wednesday Confession...

2009-06-10T08:34:00.002-05:00

Dearest Bloggers and Bloggettes,

My heart is just not in it this morning. I have been at work for a sum total of 35 minutes and have already:

1. argued with a bank rep who I now believe to be deaf and lacking a clear understanding of the English language (where's that Rosetta Stone dumbass language learning program I ordered?).

2. Scraped half an inch of dust off of my desk the very morning after the cleaning crew was here.

3. Found the vending maching to be completely devoid of anything Pepsi related.

Perhaps I shall pop in later for more of a happy happy, joy joy kind of post...

Six Things...

2009-06-09T09:42:00.003-05:00

Kim over at A Golfer and a Girl has tagged me (and everyone sort of) and asked that I name 6 UNimportant things that make me happy. I find this a difficult task, since even these small things seem very important to me, but this should do the trick:

1. Reading a good book. Seriously, you know how you sometimes get the butterflies in your stomach over something or someone? I get those when I've started a good book. I get home from work and get done with all the chores and then it dawns on me that I can go back to reading. I've been known to do a little dance in my living room over it.

2. Bottle feeding calves. I love reaching over the little pen and petting their heads while they eat. They just have these big ole warm eyes and soft little heads to pet.

3. Art class, which I have tonight. My teacher is a warm, wonderful, giving lady who anyone would be lucky to spend time with.

4. Getting to eat veggies out of my first garden - so far, it's only radishes and lettuce, but it's certainly better than nothing.

5. When I walk with my husband, he always walks faster with those long ole legs and when he gets a couple steps ahead of me, he silently reaches back and waits for me to get hold of his hand so he can pull me up close. I LOVE THIS!

6. Surprising people. I like to randomly surprise the people I love. Today, I am picking up an entertainment center for my son's bedroom. It's just a used one from my dad's house, but I know when Pea Pie walks in his room this Friday and sees his tv and games and movies all organized, he will be THRILLED!

I guess that about does it. I'm not going to tag anyone because I think most of you have already done this.

Have a Great Tuesday!

Definitely Monday

2009-06-08T08:09:00.003-05:00

It's 8:09am on Monday morning. So, really Monday isn't even in full swing and yet I have learned these things from Talky Pete:

1. They had a giant watergun fight at his house over the weekend with a boy down the road who has no father, but his grandfather fought in WW2 on D-Day in Normandy. He was shot but lived through it and died in 1999, a year before the little boy was born.
2. The little boy's water gun is a lever action rifle. When you fill it up, you can get 10 good shots out of it with a stream about a half inch in diameter, but you have to pull the lever ALL THE WAY BACK (insert awesome descriptive hand action here).
3. Talky stayed up all night Saturday night with a baseball bat because his dog wouldn't stop barking. I wondered aloud whether he meant to beat the dog into silence (in hopes that he would be so appalled at my question that he would stop talking). He said no, it was meant for the 6 foot 4 inch crack head who had been living next door as a guest but who couldn't seem to clean up so he was kicked out. The neighbor who the crackhead had been living with told Talky Pete not to mess with the crackhead because he is six foot four. Talky told him (insert loud voice, balled up fists and mean looking face here)"I SPECIALIZE IN SIX FOOT FOUR!!"
4. Conversation then turned to paint ball. (don't ask me how the subject of conversation made this turn. I've never met another soul who could hold this long of a conversation with no interaction from another human before in my life). Talky was on 2 (count them - 2) paintball tournament teams. An A team called Red Dawn and a C team called something I can't remember as my brain had taken over at that point and all I could hear was the screaming inside my head. I did manage to gather that he was a total badass and everyone else sucked blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah...

It's not just morning - it's Monday morning. I do have some good news to take the edge off, though:

Johnny Depp AND Christian Bale are starring TOGETHER in a new movie about John Dillinger. (Go ahead and take a minute to wrap your mind around that). It's called Public Enemies, I think. I definitely feel a date night movie coming on! Action for the boys and boys for the ladies - that's a good movie!

What us UP with the animals?

2009-06-05T08:37:00.006-05:00

Not long ago I helped a kitty who had been chased up a fence post by two dogs. I think I blogged about it.
This morning, on our way to work, with my son and husband both in the car, I drove past 3 dogs attacking another. You can't make antilock brakes squeal to a stop, but I think I came close - all the while screaming heaven only knows what. Mostly noises I think. That didn't help, so I got out of the car and ran over flailing my arms until the 3 attackers ran far away. I followed the attackee home and rang his doorbell. Now don't think for one second I expected so much as a thank you because I really didn't care, HOWEVER, I DID expect the owner of this lovely dog to at least be concerned about him. Especially considering it was a woman and we tend to do a bit more coddling than men do. Her obvious lack of concern caused me to detail out the attack for her. Her still obvious lack of concern found me staring at her, mouth moving in silence until I finally said (rather loudly) HE'S BLEEDING, YOU KNOW!? I'm convinced more out of concern for my behavior than her dogs, she finally checked him over. pfft. If not for the 4 we already have, I think I would lure this one into my car tonight on the way home.

You might be thinking, "What a way to start your day." I WISH! No, my day started at 6 when my husband sat straight up in bed and yelled, "SON OF A BITCH! I LEFT THE GATE OPEN LAST NIGHT!" Then be bolted for his pants and ran outside. I quickly realized that 10, That's TEN, That's two less than a DOZEN horses were out! Thank goodness we live half a mile off the road and they were not out on the pavement. I couldn't even look at my husband, let alone talk to him for fear that I would channel satan. By the grace of Bob, everyone was fine.

It's only 8:48 right now, but I've never been so happy to be safely behind my desk at work!

To the Powers That Be:

2009-06-04T08:29:00.004-05:00

I'm here to make a case that I believe would benefit all of humanity:

I would like to ask that every teenager be struck dumb from the age of 13-22.
Please make exceptions during that period if one of them decides they have something nice to say (no, no - it shouldn't be much of a challenge to keep track as I'm convinced this will only happen 2.7 times per year. I've done the math).

The age range should be determined on an individual basis in case some of them happen upon an early case of common sense.

If you would like a good example of why this is necessary, you can visit my son today. You'll find him hoeing between every single row in the garden. Please remind him that if he had not spun his head around and projectile vomited pea soup at me before I was even fully awake, he would instead be riding his bike all over town with my little sisters.

Also, if you need an administrator to run this program, I would be happy to fill that position.

Sincerely,

Gertrude

Death of the Toothfairy

2009-06-03T09:17:00.004-05:00

This is a post from my old blog. No, no... It's certainly not that I couldn't think of anything NEW to post about today. It's just that, in getting to know me, you have to understand my family dynamic a little: Oh, if you're wondering why I have an "old blog," it's because I am a procrastinator AND a perfectionist and after spending weeks at a time not writing in the old one, I decided it was time for a new one and that I shant screw this one up! So far, so good - a post every Monday through Friday. Now, on with the story:

My cousin called the other day to tell me that her sons had been up to no good. Not unusual for them, but this episode really takes the cake:
She has 2 boys, 5 and 3 years old. The older one had discovered he had a loose tooth and went to ask his mom how much money he would get from the tooth fairy for it. She told him he would probably get a dollar and apparently, he thought that was right up town. So, he and his little brother went to work on it right away. They tied string around his tooth and he gave said string to his little brother and told him to yank out the tooth. Little brother did yank and it must have been a good one because....tah dah.... they managed to yank out the wrong tooth. It was the tooth NEXT to the loose tooth. My cousin has been trying to figure out how to discourage the boys from this kind of behaviour without telling them the tooth fairy does not really exist.
My mom wasn't so thoughtful (not that I blame her considering the circumstances)...

You see, when I was a child, my dad worked out of town a lot and I would sleep in mom's bedroom with her. Basically we were both huge fraidy cats and both afraid to sleep alone. So, one night after I lost a tooth, I placed it carefully under my pillow in my mom's bed and went to sleep. The next morning when I awoke I remembered that I should have some money under the pillow and went fishing for it. Mom was still asleep when I started screaming, TWENTY-SIX DOLLARS!!! TWENTY-SIX DOLLARS!!! THE TOOTH FAIRY LEFT ME TWENTY-SIX DOLLARS!" Mom woke up in midst of the hysterical screaming, blinked a few times, got a horrified look of comprehension on her face and said, "Give that back, it was supposed to be three dollars." She had mistakenly given me a twenty, a five and a one instead of three ones. Thus ended the little pink wing-ed one's illustrious career in my home...

So, that brings up a question. How did you find out there was no such thing as the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny or any other childhood characters? Were you traumatized, surprised or expecting it? Do tell!

Rest In Peace

2009-06-02T09:52:00.002-05:00

Katherine Goodson.

This is a 6 year old girl who died in a freak fire accident in my town Sunday.

Blessings to her family who have lost her and to the fire and rescue who tried so hard and who will not recover from this tragedy for a very long time.

Weekend Recap

2009-06-01T09:13:00.004-05:00

Lawdy Lawdy Lawdy, I'm a tired one today. And frankly, am having a very hard time getting into the groove of work. Ick. Glaringly mundane after such a weekend (still very thankful to have a job in this economy, though).

The weekend was better than I could have imagined. I mentioned Friday what the plans were, now I'll tell you how it actually went:

Showed up in Eureka Springs a little before eight on Saturday and met the man who puts the Blues Fest on. He was one of those rare, AMAZING human beings that you only occasionally get the opportunity to meet. Great personality, so friendly you immediately feel like you've known him forever and just full of the greatest stories from the Blues world that you could imagine. Now, it would have been enough just to have met him, but he turned around and introduced me to the man who runs the Greater Ozarks Blues Festival in Springfield, Missouri and that guy invited me to do artist hospitality this Fall at his Festival. At this point I was just about to fall over from excitement. THEN, I got to meet one of the board members of the International Blues Competition in Memphis. Knock me over with a feather!
It doesn't matter if you're a Blues Fan. Pick whatever genre you love and imagine meeting the equivalent folks. Surreal. And just when I thought it couldn't get any better, I turn around and see my son helping King Clarentz (Clarence Brewer) carry some of his equipment into the Auditorium. I did manage to grab my camera and take pictures which I will post later.

After our volunteering was done, we headed up to Spring Street Candle and hung out with Mike and Sonny for a couple of hours while waiting on my mom and uncle to get there so we could have lunch before Pea-Pie and I headed home.

I just realized I've been sounding like a paid commercial for Eureka Springs. I'm not being paid, I swear, it's just THAT MAGICAL!

Sunday, I laid around and watched movies. That's it. I was and am exhausted from about 3 weeks straight of running running running!

Bits and Boobs... er, I mean Bobs

2009-05-29T09:06:00.005-05:00

I would do Friday Fragments, but even with help from Mrs. 4444, I don't "get it." It's not her fault, either. I'm sure she explained it in the best possible way, it's just my adult ADD (self-diagnosed in an effort to keep from admitting I'm a squirrel).

I can't wait for the work day to be over. I have been without my Pea-Pie for a week now (he's at his dad's) and am picking him up tonight. Our custody arrangement has him at his dad's 3 weekends a month during school since his dad is out of district and every other week during the summer. I'm glad he gets to spend more time with his other parent than most kids in this situation, but MAN I miss him when he's gone.
And I've been informed that his dad is getting another divorce. Poor fellow. This time it's his idea, though, unlike the first 2. And I don't blame him. I swear, that woman he is married to is one psychotic heifer. I'm not saying that as an ex, either. I mean, by any standard, that woman needs to be committed.

Tomorrow, very early, Pea-Pie and I are headed back to Eureka Springs, Ar. It's Blues Fest weekend and he's begged to go down there during Blues Fest for years now. He loves music and that's fine, but I've been putting it off because for some reason women seem to have a hard time keeping their boobs in their shirts during this particular festival. I wonder, does being a biker make you want to show your boobs or do women who like to show their boobs automatically become bikers? Just a thought. I owned my own motorcyle for a couple of years - never did show my boobs to a stranger over it. I'm just sayin'. So, now that he's 14, I compromised. We are going down early, volunteering for the Blues Fest folks until Noon, visiting my friends at the candle shop and then heading home early. With any luck, it'll be a boob free day.

Saturday afternoon I'm picking up my little sisters, Meg and Leon, doing 4 haircuts and cooking supper. Sissies are staying all night.
Sunday, we're going horseback riding.

I vow that this is the last weekend for at least a few weeks that I will stretch myself so thin. I'm TIRED and my garden needs to be weeded. There are more weeds than veggies and fruits! I'm not even joking. I'm worn out.

And on that note, I'm going to wish all of you a great weekend!! See you Monday!

A Post for the Coiffure Challenged

2009-05-28T09:13:00.014-05:00

One of my friends called me last night crying about her "shitty haircut." I asked what happened and she said that she made an appointment, went in early and looked through the salon books, picked out a new style and then got her haircut. It just didn't turn out AT ALL like she wanted...
I was taught long ago that if you want a new hairstyle, you pick out 3 pictures ahead of time then discuss them with your stylist. After I started cutting hair, I realized why that works: People will show you a picture, you can cut their hair EXACTLY like that picture and then they will scream that you shouldn't have/should have layered it/made it shorter/left it longer/blah blah blah. If you have a few different pictures and they show different hairstyles, at least your stylist can talk with you and figure out what it is you REALLY want. I'm sure within these first two paragraphs you have quickly figured out why I'm an EX hairstylist.
I'll leave you with a few examples of why you should know your stylist and exactly what you want:

Who knows what she asked for when she walked in. I bet it wasn't this, judging by the look on her face.

Is she unhappy with the hair or is she emo? I never can tell with kids these days.

Concerning these two: I don't believe for one second that they actually ASKED to have this done, but it doesn't appear that either of them are blind either. So, what would possess them to a)go out in public? and b) let their pictures be taken? Noone knows because you obviously can't just walk up to people and ask them what happened to their hair.

Here is an example of someone who knew what was happening and for some reason sat still long enough for it to take place: I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and figure it was Halloween:

And last, but not least, the man who knows what he looks like, knows it's not Halloween and walks around in public like this anyway:

Happy Hump Day!

2009-05-27T08:35:00.008-05:00

I officially (but barely) made it through yesterday. Did almost pass out when the bank rep was here. Came so close, in fact, that at one point I couldn't understand what he was saying. I just looked at my partner and mirrored his facial expressions...sigh. I feel a million jazillion times better today, though, thank goodness. And the bank rep left happy. whew...

Now, I have to take a little space to talk about one of my very good friends and his new store in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. It's a candle store. So what, right? There are candle stores everywhere. Well let me tell ya, this one is different. It is beautiful, they hand pour each and every candle in the store (except for the little tealights they keep at the counter for convenience) and they are the most friendly, helpful people you would ever want to shop with. And yes, soon, you will be able to shop online (www.springstreetcandle.com).
The site is up, but the shopping portal isn't finished yet. Why would you want to shop with Jon, Pam, Mike and Sonny as opposed to running down to your local Hallmark or Bed Bath and Beyond or wherever you buy candles? First of all, their prices are fantastic - 2 26oz jars (that last FOREVER) for $20.
These are high quality, eco friendly, highly scented and beautiful candles. Next, and most importantly, they are helping a lot of people. With the early summer 2009 launch of Candle 4 Cause, 6 charities will be receiving a portion of every candle 4 cause product sold. More on the details as they get closer to launch.
So, please, got to www.springstreetcandle.com and look around. Their phone number is on there, so if you want to make an order over the phone and have candles shipped (and I highly recommend you try these out), just give them a call!

Le Pew!

2009-05-26T08:18:00.002-05:00

I am an allergy sufferer. Most of the ways that it affects me are not that bad - sniffly nose, watery eyes, sneezing, etc. etc. Occasionally I'll end up with a BADASS headache over it, but for the most part it's not a big deal.
Then there are the "other" occasions: The "I have known since I was a teenager I should not wear perfume, but can't seem to help myself" occasions. WHAT A MORON!
It's probably been 2 years since I have sprayed perfume on my body - I'll usually opt for a natural body spray which doesn't seem to bother me. But about a week ago, my younger step-daughter left her perfume on my kitchen table and it smelled SO good, I thought I'd just give it a try... For three days in a row... Yesterday I was feeling pretty funny and just dismissed the thought. This morning I almost passed out and had to have my husband drive me to work during his vacation. Here's the stupid thing: I've been through this before. It's not like I didn't KNOW better. What is it about the lure of a good smell like that?
To top off this happy occasion, I have a 10 o'clock meeting with a very important bank rep. He is coming to make sure that we are up to his standards and meet his criteria so that we can use them for financing. I can't imagine he will be too impressed if I end up face-planting in my office floor when I should just be shaking his hand...
Perfume - I officially hate it.

Happy Memorial Day!

2009-05-25T09:11:00.003-05:00

Sincere thanks to all the veterans who have served us or who are still doing so. My dad served in Vietnam right out of high school. He never talks about it, but I know he was shot and honored with a Purple Heart. He still breaks out in rashes from the Agent Orange and has shrapnel left in his leg, but, like most veterans, he never says a word about it. Thanks dad!

The rest of my blog for today can be viewed over at 47 and Starting Over. Thanks again Julie, for letting me guest post!

The Official Child Mortification Process

2009-05-22T08:09:00.002-05:00

This morning I got to drive my husband's mid-life crisis to work. It's not what you might think, either. Most men (at least as television depicts it) hit their midlife crisis and want a sports car or something super cool like that. Not my hubby. A couple of months ago he decided he wanted to sell his truck. This was a nice truck. And, honestly, we needed it for pulling the horse trailer. That didn't stop him from selling it, though... and buying another truck and selling it two weeks later and buying another truck and trading it off the next day for yet another and selling that one and piddle-farting around (translated: riding everywhere with me) until he found THE truck. He called me, excited. He'd found the coolest little truck... So he bought it.
It is 19 - NINETEEN - years older than the one he originally sold. He drove it home and didn't quite make it because the motor blew up. He had a rebuilt motor put in it, but it is still ugly, it is noisy, it is crappy and so-help-me it has a sticker of Wylie Coyote in the back window (he's holding a sheep and flipping someone off - presumably taunting me). So, I figured it's fine. He's going through a phase. We can pull the trailer with my Explorer for now and it's not like I have to ride in the noisy little thing. Wrong.
Last night he announced that he would be needing to trade vehicles with me today because he has to get shoes put on one of the horses. I was mortified (although quietly) until I noticed that Pea-Pie was twice as embarrassed about it as I was. Of course I lectured him about how we were lucky to have any kind of vehicle in this economy and that as long as it gets you from point A to point B, that's all that matters... He conceded defeat and climbed in. When we got to school, I noticed he was in a huge hurry to jump out and get away so I insisted on a long hug. Then.... just as he was almost to the school entrance, I revved the motor and honked twice...eeep eeeeeep.
New Old truck $500
Repairs $1,100 (so far)
Febreeze to get the smell out of it $4
Being able to terrorize my child with it....PRICELESS!

Shorty

2009-05-21T10:20:00.002-05:00

I can't post my own blog today. I have to... No... I GET to work on one for Julie over at 47 and Starting Over. She has one or two more followers than I do (coughbullshitcough) okay, hundreds more. So, I'ma concentrate myself over there...
Hope you all have a fantastic Thursday!

That's a Hand!

2009-05-20T08:51:00.004-05:00

I started taking art classes several weeks ago. The teacher was my high school art teacher. She lives a few miles from me and we reconnected through Facebook (turns out Facebook can be good for something besides making me feel guilty for not keeping up with everyones requests).
During my first class, she had me draw a human (whole body), a human face, a tree and a pitcher. It was embarrasing. Looked like something I would have drawn in Kindergarten. She's sneaky, too, because she keeps those first pictures and occasionally whips them out at me, presumably to keep me humble. Last night was my 5th or 6th class and I had to draw my own hand. The palm side, fingers and all. You know what? IT LOOKED LIKE MY HAND! Bless that woman, I'm actually learning! She let me bring the hand picture home to show my family (she still won't let those first drawings out of her sight) and guess what? They recognized that it was a hand! What else could I do but hang it on my refridgerator?

Red-Neck Roulette

2009-05-19T11:19:00.003-05:00

I stopped at Sonic this morning (America's Favorite Drive-In..Thru?). I ordered a burger and an unsweet tea as per usual. While waiting on my food I decided to play one of my favorite games: CD Roulette! See, whether we're talking cds or dvds, I am famous around my house for one thing: Taking the cd/dvd that is in the player out and sticking it in the case of the cd/dvd I am about to put in. After a while, it's anyone's guess where the cd/dvd they are looking for is actually housed. ha! They (those other people who live in the house with me) say this habit of mine annoys them. I say pshaw! I'm convinced that one day, when I'm gone, my son will tell his grandchildren about how their crazy old great-grandmommy would do this. And they will say, "But Granddaddy Pea-Pie, what's a cd/dvd?"
ANYWAY, I pulled out my Third Eye Blind cd case (the greatest hits one) and GUESS WHAT WAS INSIDE?! Jason Mraz. But not JUST Jason Mraz (and here comes the most shocking part) - THIRD EYE BLIND - The one that actually belonged in the case! I jammed that disc with the volume ALMOST HALF WAY UP all the way to work!! Seriously, at my age and with my superior Ford sound system, that's really saying something! (I don't know if it is really superior, but I work for Ford so I say it's superior dammit). Good thing my husband was off work today. I mean, I love my husband and I love working and living with him, but you can't take a 40-odd year old redneck and blast Third Eye Blind with him in the car. He knows not of sipping gold, rose skies through his nose! He wouldn't try to talk someone off a ledge and he's certainly no Crystal Baller. So, twice a week, when we don't work together, my stereo gets the cob webs blown out of it and my ears get a good thumping. Tomorrow it's back to Charlie Daniels and the saga of Wooly Swamp. (don't ever go down there at night).

Bug Bastard!

2009-05-18T11:59:00.002-05:00

Friday I had to call in sick (with a puking migraine). The day went something like:
Puke
sleep
puke
cry
wonder if i have pig flu?
puke
no fever - scratch pig flu
sleep
wonder if anyone loves me enough to shoot me and put me out of my misery?
puke.
It's official - noone loves me enough to shoot me. Plan on making new friends if I survive.

Saturday I had to work to make up for missing Friday (okay I didn't HAVE to, but I hate missing work). The day's list looked much the same except before puke, you have to add in "run across showroom floor into the bathroom"...
Sunday was the same but (thankfully) without the headache, leading me to believe I did NOT have a migraine causing nausea, I had a bug of some kind causing ALL of it.
Now I'm off to catch up on all your blogs!

The Montauk Monster

2009-05-14T08:30:00.003-05:00

I just have one question: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THIS!?
I am dumbfounded, grossed-out, intrigued and CURIOUS. What up? Even Snopes hasn't determinted it's a hoax, but here's what gets me: Why are all of these scientists having to speculate from photographs? Why wasn't the carcass disected and examined? Just for that reason alone, I have to go with hoax.

And this is how you tell I had absolutely nothing to blog about today.

Urine for a real treat!!

2009-05-13T10:08:00.005-05:00

Mrs. 4444 is giving away a great prize! Please follow the link and check it out!
Go Girl!

Bottle Calves

2009-05-13T09:47:00.006-05:00

We have started buying bottle calves. That's fine. I mentioned before that we are getting ready to build a house and these little boogers are the money behind it. I really really like the idea of building a house. I really really like eating beef. I do NOT like being personally responsible for hauling the little cuties off to sale, knowing that they are going to be killed and eaten after I've logged a jazillion hours petting and feeding them. I ABSOLUTELY refuse to eat one of our own. Sorry, but once it's looked me in the face, I'm not putting it in my mouth. I've gone so far as to threaten vegetarianism upon our household when my husband insisted we butcher one (scared the crap out of everyone else-they can't cook).
Mind you, I would get up at 4am if I needed to in order to get my house built, but the more calves we buy, the earlier we have to wake up and I'm TIRED. Possibly a little grumpy, but we won't talk about that.
This morning, we overslept so the whole fam damily had to run around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to feed horses, calves, dogs, the bird, and the rabbit. Hubby had to change clothes before we left because one of the brand new babies "SHIT ALL OVER MY PANTS" as he put it. (snicker.snort.gufaw!)
Anywho, after all of this running around, trying to get ready, making sure everything was fed, we got to school to drop Pea-Pie off and, at the same time, we all realized WE did not eat breakfast. Nor was there time for my poor boy to eat at school by that point. Maybe, just maybe, I'll end up dropping some weight in this deal. It would be nice if sleep wasn't the only thing I lost!

Poor Sis

2009-05-12T08:46:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, my phone rang and I ignored it because I was busy. Stupid thing to do, but it was my mom and she calls like 8 times a day to chit-chat. About 5 minutes later, I listened to the message she left and heard her telling me that my little sister had a seizure at school and they were on their way to the hospital in an ambulance. Well, I felt like an ASS for not answering the phone, but jumped in my vehicle and headed up to meet them.
It was pretty bad. She fell out of her chair and face-planted right in the floor - bruised her forehad and chin and her poor little nose was swollen. She bit her tongue, too, when she hit and hurt it pretty bad. According to her teacher, it lasted about five minutes. An alarming amount of time. She wet herself. Not the ideal thing for an 8th grader, but the principle assured Meg that noone was going to make fun of her - the other children are very worried.
I don't have any experience with anyone having seizures, so let me tell you, I am VERY frustrated with the fact that noone can tell us anything. The hospital took blood tests and ran a cat scan and said they couldn't find any reason for the seizure. It may happen again but may not. How's that for vague?
So, anyone have any experience in this area? I'm doing research but I usually find a lot more comfort in personal experiences than I do in textbook reading.

Update

2009-05-11T10:45:00.001-05:00

I feel sort of bad now for screaming about my husband. He just brought me a cup of Mug Rootbeer as what I can only imagine was a peace offering. Weird but nice.

I WILL have my kitchen!

2009-05-11T09:17:00.003-05:00

Had a great weekend. Friday, ya know, we had the bad storms and we didn't get electricity back until Saturday afternoon at our house (it had thankfully come back on at work Friday morning). I ended up taking a load of furniture down to Eureka Springs without make-up (or a shower). That part was awful. Moving the furniture into my friend's new store was so much fun, though. Plus the shopping, visiting and food that day were out of this world.

Sunday we planted my garden. Hubby and Pea Pie were real troopers as I laid the garden out and gave out instructions. (Which was kind of funny since I have no idea what I'm doing). This is my first garden, so wish me luck. If everything survives, we should be enjoying tomatoes, carrots, jalapenos, anaheim peppers, spinich, lettuce, radishes, eggplant, squash, canteloupe, sweet corn, watermelon, pumpkins, cucumbers and onions. (crossing fingers). My younger step daughter got me a candle and a very sweet card. It's the first time she's ever given me anything (first year she's had a job and her own money). What a great surprise!!

Now, on to the kitchen...
My husband and I live in a trailer house. The reason that we do is because 9 years ago, we bought 34 acres, had to dig a well, run electricity, put in a septic system - the whole nine yards and we did not want to go into a ton of debt (considering the current economy, I would say that was a great choice). Now we are at a point where we are ready to start building and GUESS WHAT?! We can't agree on a plan. We agree on what the outside should look like, we agree that we want wrap around porches and he has conceded to the fact that I want 2-stories. The big deal breaker seems to be the kitchen - I want a big...make that HUGE one. He doesn't. My big question to him not wanting one is WHAT THE HELL DOES HE CARE? It's not like he cooks. Or uses the kitchen in any way unless he is washing out the calf bottles. Then, this morning, in midst of a fairly heated discussion about my kitchen size he says this... "You never use the kitchen anyway." Huh?!! I LOVE to cook! Does he think I go in the bathroom and do it? Where does he think the food he eats comes from? I can tolerate almost anything, but people who just say ridiculous crap when they get angry or to make their stupid point even when it's not true just really piss me off.

EEEK!

2009-05-08T11:44:00.001-05:00

Severe storms and a tornado in my neck of the woods this morning. 11:45 and we just now got electricity. Lots of clean up and catch up, so I'll see you all on Monday!

I'm not well equipped for adulthood.

2009-05-07T08:23:00.003-05:00

You know, adulthood is not what I thought it would be. I thought that when I hit my mid thirties I would be this really together person who knew what to do in any situation. Where does that idea come from? Is it to do with people always telling you as a child to wait until you're an adult and then you will understand? I think it would be more honest to say wait until you're an adult and then you can let on like you understand.
Seriously, I thought that one day, when I worked my butt off (turns out that doesn't literally happen either) and got a great job running a company, I would just be so together and "with it." Apparently I put on a great show because everyone seems to think I've got it down pat. Friends are calling me asking advice about their job or their company. I say (with sage wisdom in my voice) whatever pops into my head. They thank me. We hang up. I spend the next five minutes wondering why the hell they would ask me ANYTHING, let alone business advice.
So, I wonder. Will my whole life be like this? Do elderly people still wonder when they are going to get it together? Am I the only one who feels this way?
It's ponderous I tell ya...

Why I would be the perfect woman for an affair:

2009-05-06T14:58:00.004-05:00

I was looking in my rearview mirror today at lunch and realized I would be the perfect woman to have an affair with.
I'm 34 (a woman is in her sexual prime at this age, you know?) and I have almost as much gray hair as I do brunette. What does that mean, you ask? It means that I could totally get nekked in some dude's car or home, leave a hair (women are always on tv screaming they found another woman's hair somewhere) and the chances his wife would think he was having an affair versus the chances his wife would think he was helping out a sweet old lady are even!

At the Buttcrack of Dawn...

2009-05-06T08:33:00.004-05:00

I got up this morning and managed to grab a towel and head for the bathroom and the shower I so desperately needed in order to wake up. As I was walking by the front door, this is the scene I witnessed: (hey, sorry about the poor pic quality, but I took this with hubby's phone while trying to tip-toe around and not disturb the scene)

WHAT...THE...HELL...!?? Seriously! Is she just totally dominating my red healer or what? What would possess one dog (with 34 acres to call home, mind you) to choose to sit on top of another?! Poor Roscoe is either whipped or a really heavy sleeper.

Impossible Mom-In-Law in the making.

2009-05-05T09:23:00.003-05:00

Well, here we are again. Cinco DeMayo. Many of you don't know that Cinco DeMayo actually translates into "Pea Pie's Birthday." The boy was born on the 5th day of the week, the 5th month, the 5th day of the month AND the 95th year of the century. Methinks 5 is his number.
This is his last birthday before he starts high school. I'm completely emotionally scarred on the one hand and completely excited to watch him grow on the other.

Here's what nearly gave me a heart attack, though. Last night we were driving down the road and he was telling me how hubby had let him drive all the way from our house to pick me up at art class (all county and country roads - I take class at my teacher's house). and THEN:

Sidenote: in Missouri (maybe everywhere, I don't know) you can get your drivers permit when you turn 15, but you HAVE to have it for at least 6 months before you can get your license... On with the story:

Pea Pie: My girlfriend finally got her drivers permit.
Me: Oh that's good...Wait, is she 15? (Looking at hubby like a deer in the headlights and noticing that he's looking pretty pleased with boy).
Pea Pie: Yeah, she's 15. This is the 3rd time she's taken the test.
Me: Wow, how often do they...Wait..How old IS she!?
Pea Pie: She'll be 16 in November.
Me: !!!!!!!!!!

Forgive me if I'm completely incoherent today, but I canNOT wrap my head around this one. Part of me is trying to be calm, the other part is screaming "She'll spoil him faster than mayonaise left out on a summer day!!!!"
OH LAWD HELP ME!!

Why Mirrors are Necessary

2009-05-04T08:30:00.004-05:00

I can't believe I am telling this story. It's horribly embarrassing, but since none of you really know me personally, what the heck:

I saw a picture this morning that reminded me of something I did my 7th grade year. In a fit of boredom one day and after having seen my older cousin's really cool Senior pictures, I decided I would put on my cheerleading uniform, put my saxaphone across the handlebars of my 4-wheeler and then have my mom take pictures of me sitting on said 4-wheeler. She did it, too. Looking back, it's no doubt that she did it with the idea that she could one day use these pictures to embarrass me to no ever-living end. She doesn't read this blog and I can only hope...nay...pray that she never finds those things.

I saved this picture for the last part of this post for two reasons: 1. So you can see why it reminded me of my weird jr. high photo session. 2. Because it's so dang funny you will probably forget my weird jr. high photo session: Also, I am wondering, does this man have a mirror ANYWHERE in his house?

Bunny Shmag...

2009-05-01T08:14:00.003-05:00

Having a bunny is interesting, hilarious, patience-building and fun. Last night I came home to find that the bun had escaped it's cage (which is, until this evening when my cage gets delivered, actually a big laundry basket). We haven't been able to catch it since, but it runs into and out of the basket by jumping up on picture boxes my son put there for stairs. Very intelligent. A co-worker suggested I get a large butterfly net until little NinnyMuggins gets easier to catch. But his/her/it's cage comes tonight, so maybe I can lure it in there and quietly close the door...

Having a bunny seems to be affecting my husband, too. Behold the genius conversation we had last evening:

Hubby (singing): Little Bunny Foo Foo Hopping through the forest, picking up the field mice and bopping them on the head.

Me: Why would he do that?
Hubby: What?
Me: Why would the rabbit bop field mice on the head?
Hubby: I don't know, he was just playing
Me: Well, it's not very nice.

There are so many things wrong with that converstion, I hardly know where to begin.
1. My 6'1", 220 pound hillbilly husband singing Little Bunny Foo-Foo
2. Same husband not only answering my stupid question, but defending Bunny Foo-Foo by making up the fact that he was "just playing."
3. Me taking the motherly approach and wanting Bunny Foo-Foo to play nicely...

I've said it a hundred times: If there was someone outside our window listening to half the conversations that go on in our house, they would have us committed.

The Games Hillbillies Play...

2009-04-30T08:14:00.005-05:00

So last night we were out doing chores and then I got my mare out and was generally spoiling her (because she is THE most divine equine). As I was walking by the front of our tack shed, leading her, I heard my husband from behind the shed:

Hubby: Babe, can you help me real quick?
Me: Sure, whatcha need?
Hubby: I am having a little trouble with this electric wire (from the electric fence we keep the calves in-not like an ELECTRIC WIRE). Would you go into the shed, in the back corner where the electric box is, and pull that orange wire back inside a little way?
Me: Sure.

So, I walked into the shed (unsuspecting lamb to the slaughter), and without question, I grabbed the orange wire...yelled (because as if you didn't see it coming from a mile away - I just got the crap shocked out of me), flailed my arm, scared the wad out of my horse and then heard hysterical laughter from the other side of the shed wall.

He lives now only because he can outrun me.

In the News...

2009-04-29T08:29:00.004-05:00

Well, I've officially had 11 inches cut off of my hair. I LOVE it. My head feels so light!! The pile of hair in the floor after cutting the length and thinning and texturing what I have left was quite impressive - maybe a little scary. Hubby is a little sad but says it looks nice. Pea Pie LOVES it which surprised me. And hey, I got through an entire night of sleep last night without myself or hubby rolling over on my hair and waking me up! Good times.

On to the news:
Does anyone else think that on top of the fact that it was thoughtless and cruel, the whole low flying of Airforce One was absolutely unneccesary? You want a picture of that stupid plane with the Statue of Liberty then photoshop it. I was furious and so sad to see hundreds (probably thousands) of New Yorkers running out into the streets, fearing for their lives. Personally, I want to know EXACTLY who was behind this stunt. HEADS SHOULD ROLL!

It's official - one death in the U.S now from the Swine flu. My hairdresser has, in fact, stocked up on canned goods and bottled water - she did the same with the bird flu. I chuckled at her last night and she told me not to be bringing myself over to her house when I need a can of corn because she's not opening the door for ANYBODY... I sincerely hope that they can get a handle on this thing soon, though. From what they are saying, it's really hitting the elderly and small children - typical for the flu.

Then there was this little pearl on the news last night:
WATERFORD TOWNSHIP, Mich. - Tinker Bell has been reunited with her owners after a 70-mph gust of wind picked up the six-pound Chihuahua and tossed her out of sight. Dorothy and Lavern Utley credit a pet psychic for guiding them on Monday to a wooded area nearly a mile from where 8-month-old Tinker Bell had been last seen. The brown long-haired dog was dirty and hungry but otherwise OK.
I am so glad Tinkerbell is okay. Don't you know they never thought they would find her? Am I the only one shocked that Waterford Township Michigan has a pet psychic, though? I have never researched it, but I feel very confident in saying that we don't have a pet psychic in my entire county...

And last but not least - certainly the most shocking: Arlen Specter leaves the Republican party to join the Dems. I am blown away (kinda like Tinkerbell the Chihuahua).

In midst of learning to care for the new bunny, and a new load of bottle calves on top of the regular chores at home, I can honestly say that this is about all the news I'm up to date on right now. Happy Wednesday!!!

Bits and Bobs

2009-04-28T08:14:00.004-05:00

I have had the song Trudy by Charlie Daniels stuck in my head and playing on a loop since Saturday. I am not joking. The major problem with it is that Saturday was the first time I ever heard the song so I only know about 20 words and those are the ones that keep playing... sigh.

With my courage bolstered by Julie at 47 and starting over (sorry Julie, couldn't get the link thing to work), I am off this evening to have about 12 inches cut off my hair. I don't believe I will miss it. I found a great picture of a Meg Ryan haircut that I will be giving to my stylist as an example. I wonder if merely by cutting my hair I can make the rest of me look like she does in that picture. Hey, I'll live in my little fantasy world and you live in yours.

Please take good care of yourselves (I should take my own advice here). My 44 year old uncle had his THIRD and FOURTH heart attacks this past week. The third put him in the hospital, the fourth happened while he was still in there. GEEZ!! He is home now and feeling okay, but he is young and not a horribly out of shape person.

We are looking at about 9 more days of forecasted rain in my area.

I am wondering (not worried yet) about this swine flu. I've decided not to get all concerned like I did with the bird flu, but it tends to stay on your mind whenever they constantly talk about it on the news. It's good to stay informed of course, but I don't want to run out and stock up on water and canned goods yet or anything.

Here's to today being far better than yesterday even if yesterday was the best day you've ever had!!

You know how I know it's Monday?

2009-04-27T08:40:00.004-05:00

Because so far this morning, I have lost my new rabbit (Pea Pie found it hiding under the entertainment center), ordered an unsweet tea with 4 lemon wedges from Sonic, was charged for two of the lemon wedges, because apparently anything over 2 has been deemed too many, received a SWEET tea with TWO lemon wedges and didn't realize it until I was already half way to work AND got ketchup on my pants. Yes, I eat things that require ketchup for breakfast - I'll have none of your namby pamby sweet and flaky breakfast fluff! Okay, OCCASIONALLY I'll eat a pancake or two, but OTHER THAN THAT...
I mentioned our new bunny.

This is his (or her, we don't know) picture as it appeared on CraigsList. It is even cuter in person!!! And SWEET! Even if it is a little escape artist. It cleans it's little face and everyone makes cutesie noises (you can't possibly help it). So, we discussed what we should name it and part of the problem was that we didn't (still don't) know if it's a boy or a girl...I must have missed the rabbit anatomy class in Ag. So, we're discussing and Pea Pie comes up with this - How about Cotton Tailed Ninny Muggins? Obviously a play on words from the movie Elf and Will Farrel's reference to himself as a Cotton Headed Ninny Muggins. How could I say no!? So, meet little NinnyMuggins. If he/she/it doesn't make you say AWWW, then you are a heartless devil and should henceforth no longer be allowed to look at rabbits!!
You know How I know I've watched the 40 Year Old Virgin one too many times?
Because I keep Titleing my blog with You know how I know...

Life in the Ozarks

2009-04-25T08:19:00.002-05:00

As I sit here on this lovely Saturday morning, eating Slim Jim brand beef jerky (they are experts in all things dehydrated you know?) and nursing a helluva sunburn from horseback riding yesterday (should have taken the sunscreen), I am just so happy and content to be here in the Missouri Ozarks.
Of course everything is budding and blooming right now and there was a section of road on the way into work that just had me reeling with the green-ness of it all. I'm certain there are more beautiful places in the world, but in my travels, I haven't seen any yet. And how about the fact that in my 9 mile drive to work, I never have to so much as roll one tire tread onto a highway - it's backroads all the way. Cattle and horses, green pastures and woods, the folks you meet driving really do wave at you. Then I drive into this tiny town where I work (population 1,400 - who would believe there had been a Ford franchise here for over 50 years!?) and there is Main Street with the historical buildings, flea markets, the feed and seed with farmers sitting out front selling their vegetable plants - soon they will be selling their vegetables - and a lovely park right on the creek. Don't get any grand illusions of dangling your feet in there, though. Crane Creek will turn you blue with cold in mere minutes even in the hottest temperatures.
This is a place where the old arts are still alive - quilting, weaving, canning (yes, I consider being able to have fresh tasting veggies in midst of winter an art), leatherworking, instrument making - among many others. A place where you know if every computerized thing in the world disappeared one day, the folks here would survive - make that THRIVE - quite nicely.
So, I guess this is what "they" call waxing nostalgic. I'm not sure exactly why they call it that, but wax on glasshoppah - wax on!!

You know how I know my son is going to be a State Trooper?

2009-04-23T08:54:00.002-05:00

Because all he's missing are the Aviator sunglasses!!

Happy Earth Day!!

2009-04-22T08:09:00.003-05:00

From an article in THE SUN this morning:
Scientists warned that the increase in big-eaters means more food production — a major cause of CO2 gas emissions warming the planet.
Overweight people are also more likely to drive, adding to environmental damage.

You can read the rest here.

Well, I'll be! I never dreamed my overweightedness (is that a word?!) was causing global warming! I thought it might be all of the big industrial companies dumping waste into the water and all of the landfills and other such things. Who knew it was my tendancy to eat and drive the 9 miles to my work? Too bad those Little Rascal things run on a battery. If they were gas-powered I'd get one and ride it around my office (you know, because apparently overweight people don't want to walk any more than absolutely necessary).

TOP O THE WORLD TO YE CHILD

2009-04-21T08:11:00.004-05:00

The Title of this post was the title of my mother's morning email to me. It's amazing what a bright, funny woman she is (sans alchohol)...
Sidenote: Talky Pete just went into the bathroom on his cell phone. I think that he thinks we can't hear him with the door closed and the fan on, but that's not at all the case.
Back to mom: She is always complaining that her mother acts just like her mother's mother did. I'm always saying that my mother acts just like her mother does (except grandma isn't a mean old alchy). But, you can see where I'm going with this. At some point, my son could say that I act just like my mother. And I'm actively trying NOT to act like my mother, so it will just be all that much more sad if he says it. And scary for him.

Back to my art class tonight. That's going fine. Having been my high school art teacher, I'm sure Mrs. Jones wouldn't be surprised to find out that I haven't practiced one time this week (I'll do it at lunch), but I won't be telling her. She's a very nice but rather stern woman.

So, last night, on my way home from work, I saw a cat sitting on top of a metal fence post. I pointed it to hubby and kind of laughed until he said, "Boy, they had him bayed, didn't they?" And then it dawned on me: Why WOULD a cat be sitting on top of what must be a very uncomfortable fence post? Hubby informed me that there were two dogs laying in the grass underneath the poor kitty. I promptly pulled over, turned around and went to help the kitty. Anyone watching would have taken me for a loon, but I jumped out of the car and ran screaming and flailing my arms at the dogs. They ran away and poor kitty sat there crying until I helped her get down. Then I looked up and saw the owners of the dogs standing in their yard staring at me. Like I was crazy. No surprise there. I didn't bother to tell them that their mutts were tiny terrorists and should be ashamed. People who raise their dogs to act that way won't listen anyway...

Wow, I can't think of a title for this post!!

2009-04-20T08:01:00.003-05:00

Well, I took the kids to the movies this weekend. Turned out that Meg's guy couldn't go. His birthday is today and his parents had planned on celebrating with him over the weekend. So, I ended up taking my son and his girlfriend (who seems to be sweet and cute and polite, yay!), both my little sisters and my little cousin Brent. Along with hubby, that took up all the seats in my SUV, so the younger of hubbies girls and her boyfriend came along in her truck. It was quite a group! The kids saw Fast and Furious (I felt comfy not being in there with them since the 16 year old was seeing that movie and offered to keep an eye out) and hubby and I saw 17 again. It was definitely worth seeing. Boy, if I were 17 again, I'd have quite a thing for that little Zack Efron!
Yesterday it started out raining and then it rained some more, but by late afternoon and evening it had decided to rain, so we ended up spending the entire day inside. Except for hubby who mistook one 10-minute, rain-free period for a sign that it was time to mow. He gets my tenacious award for the weekend since he refused to stop mowing just because it started raining again. I would guess he mowed 2.5 out of 3 acres in pouring rain. The yard really did look great this morning, though!
I hope you all had a great weekend and are looking forward to an even better week! Now I have to get caught up on your blogs!!

Last Minute Superhero

2009-04-17T08:43:00.004-05:00

Well, Pea Pie has a school dance tonight. Hubby told him to stick to slow dancing (because he really believes that the irish jig Pea busts out in is how he actually must dance. Pea told hubby this morning that the last time he fast-danced at school, people kept asking him if he was looking for his keys. Then he started jumping around grabbing his pockets. He's such a hoot! Anyway, we had a quick dance lesson before school. Not that I was procrastinating. I just learned about this dance last night. Apparently my son is the Procrastinator - not quite as cool as the Terminator, but a heck of a lot more suspenseful.

In midst of writing this post, I received confirmation that my biggest (and only local) competitor has just gone out of business. My phone is ringing off the hook.
Hope you all have a great weekend!!!

Sometimes there's just no excuse...

2009-04-16T08:08:00.002-05:00

I am swamped with work this morning, so I will leave you with the following story and a question. The question is, Don't you think maybe, in light of what happened here, they should re-hire the nurse and layoff the manager?
Hope you all have a great day!

Wisconsin nurse called out of surgery and laid off
MADISON, Wis. (AP) -- A nurse was called out of surgery so a manager could tell her she was being laid off. Dean Health said the surgery was minor and the patient wasn't affected, but the manager who summoned the nurse from surgery violated medical protocol. Dean Health spokesman Paul Pitas said the incident happened at Dean's West Clinic in Madison on Wednesday or Thursday.
Pitas said there was a period of time in which a nurse wasn't present during the procedure. He said while there were other clinical staff present, the absence of a nurse is a violation of patient care procedures.
The Madison-based health care provider announced Wednesday that it planned to "immediately" lay off 90 employees.
Pitas declined to name the employees involved or what type of surgery the nurse was attending when she was called away.

Tidbits...

2009-04-15T08:59:00.003-05:00

Men are weird and seem completely unable to pay attention to details. Yesterday my husband sold his truck and is not picking up his new one until Friday. We work together, so he was planning to ride to work with me as usual this morning, but my son had a dentist appointment and I was going to be late. So hubby calls in and just says I'll be late, Pea Pie has a dentist appointment... I was standing there saying TELL THEM WHY (as in that he didn't have a vehicle) thinking that they would wonder why he needed to be at this dentist appointment. But, he didn't. Men...Weird...

Pea-Pie was told this morning that he won't have to have braces after all! YAY SAVING MONEY!

My right eardrum has had what sounds like a bass drum beating up a storm in it for a week. If that means I have some kind of weird health problem, I don't even want to know about it.

The extremely hot lumberjack looking fellow who powerwashes the lot is here today. It's not hot enough for him to take his shirt off... COME ON SUMMER!

I took my second art class last night (from my high school art teacher who is a super cool lady) and I am so excited about learning to draw and paint that I woke up this morning singing about it.
My husband thinks I'M WEIRD.

The other blogs I read are talking about wordless Tuesday or some such thing. I don't know anything about it, but I AM going to shutty now.

Teen Dating....or THESE KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!

2009-04-14T09:39:00.005-05:00

My mom is not what you would call a good mom. If she were an animal, my sisters and I wouldn't be here now because mother is the type who would have eaten her young. Top it off with a big ole bout of alchoholism and you can see what I'm dealing with.
So, there are 20 years between me and the next sibling (we'll call her Meg since that's her nickname) who is now 14 and 22 years between me and the last (we'll call her Leon since that's her nickname) who is now 12. Just throwing out those numbers incase you're bad at math.
Sadly, mother's poor view of the world causes her to try and tear everyone else down with phrases including the words fat ass, dumb ass, lazy ass (apparently she's obsessed with ass). I had recently noticed that my 14 year old sister was displaying some of the classic signs of low self esteem (which will happen when your own mother spends her days yelling various ass names at you), so I decided last weekend to have a long talk with Meg (and Leon for good measure).
The talk included boys, sex, alcohol, good decisions/bad decisions, self-worth, a brief excerpt from my husband and his male point of view, some funny and not so funny stories from my youth, boys, sex, proper cell phone use, consequences to bad decisions, boys and sex. Then I covered my opinion of why mom treats us the way she does (low self esteem also). That may have been a mistake, since the second mom walked into my house to pick up the girls, Meg informed mom that she, too had low self esteem. I'm hoping Meg forgot and didn't bring it back up lest my head end up on a platter...
Meg seemed to really understand the talk, which calmed my nerves a bit because she was most definitely headed down a bad path and I want her to avoid that path as if it's the plague.
Anyway, part of the issue was based on my mother's point of view that noone should date until they are 16 - which only caused me to sneak around and was having the same effect on Meg. Don't get me wrong. I love the idea of not dating until you are 16, but when you are growing up in a house with no attention (except negative), you WILL seek attention elsewhere.
After a long talk with my mother (and the point of this whole entry), I am taking my son and his girlfriend and Meg and her new young beau (who seems to be a really great, family oriented kid) on a triple date to a movie with me and the hubby this weekend. I guess I will sit in front of them but in the same theater. Or maybe go to the next theater and watch a different movie. I JUST DON'T KNOW!!! Wish me luck!

Down on the farm...

2009-04-13T07:48:00.003-05:00

I guess with a name like Abstract Arboretum, I should mention something that happens on that tree covered hillside I call home.
This weekend was an interesting one. Saturday evening it had stopped raining long enough for us to go horseback riding. After three weeks of cold and rain, I was happy that my mare had not forgotten everything she's ever known, but not too happy to find that she was full of what we like to call piss and vinegar.
You see, once upon a time, I was a young, fit woman. I had great balance and strength and took great pleasure in being able to ride any horse that you put in front of me. Then I got pregnant. And gained weight. And lost muscle. And YEAH, it WAS 14 years ago, but I'm what you might call a maintainer. I've done a wonderful job of maintaining my overweight, out of shape status ever since the day my son was born. I'm consistent if nothing else. And I'm seriously considering sueing whatever toy manufacturer spread the lies about Weeble Wobbles. Because they DO fall down. Often.
So, anyway, we went on a ride around the country block. It was probably an hour (which seemed like eternity) between me having to try and keep track of my dog who is not supposed to go with us but snuck through the woods and appeared after we were long gone from the house and my horse who thought every daisy blowing in the breeze was a rabid monster out to get her. I think I may have suffered a heart-attack in my butthole at some point, but fear will often do that to you.

Mundane Schmundane!

2009-04-10T08:48:00.003-05:00

Friday again - time to focus on life and living it to the fullest (avoiding your mid-life crisis, not being so mundane, getting out of that rut...you get the picture).

Last Friday, I was a bit of a downer (even though I believe wholeheartedly in what I said), so today I will focus on something fun. This is geared toward women since our idea of fun is generally not a weekly field trip to the local strip club, however intellectually stimulating that might be.
What I am going to do is give you two suggestions - one for those who aren't being effected by this piss-poor economy and one for...the rest of us:

#1 - Sex in the City Girl's Night Out!
You might schedule a group mani-pedi session, see a fabulous chic flick, go to a fancy restaurant. Treat yourself. Do something you wouldn't normally do. Obviously, this is the expensive version.

#2 - Sex in the City Girl's Night In!!
Invite a few friends over - everyone bring a dish and it can be whatever they want. Don't do that mundane planning thing where you make sure there's a salad and a dessert and blah blah blah. Normal! Boring! Without planning, you might end up with 5 different desserts. Is there anything wrong with that? HELL NO! It's Girls Night!!
Have you noticed there is a lot of bartering going on in this economy? Have you noticed you can't do as much shopping as you might like? Well, here's a fun way to get new stuff FOR FREE!
Have each of your friends bring something from their house that they no longer want - something nice but not too expensive. Who doesn't have a great hardback book they could part with or a really nice bottle of lotion you haven't opened yet? Maybe a pair of earrings (okay, not 14k gold and diamonds, but you know something from a little boutique somewhere you spent mayble $20 on). I have a brand new watch still in the box that I got for Christmas and it's just not my style - something along those lines. When everyone gets there, try drawing numbers or playing a game to determine who gets what. No cat fights!
And hey, spend a buck at the Red Box renting a movie instead of $10 apiece going to the theater.

I like this Friday thing. I'm no genius about this kind of stuff (very mundane myself), but having to come up with these ideas makes me think there might be hope for me yet!
If you have ideas to add, please do!

The Definition of Insanity

2009-04-09T08:30:00.003-05:00

Everyone buckle up. I am going to discuss same-sex marriage today (or as I like to call it: EQUAL MARRIAGE). Try not to faint. I was reading this Op-Ed piece in the New York Times and it really put things into perspective for me.
The first sentence of the article reads: "In 1958, when my mother, who was white, and father, who was black, wanted to get married in Nebraska, it was illegal for them to wed."
Well, that sentence and the rest of the article effectively BLEW MY MIND. Apart from the KKK and a few other select groups (of assholes) like them, who wouldn't say, today, that the idea of making it illegal for a white woman to marry a black man is INSANE? RIDICULOUS! Having been born in 1974, I didn't even know that such laws had ever existed.
I am a huge proponent of Equal Rights. I do not now, nor will I ever, grasp how any group of Americans (let alone our Government) should think that they have the right to tell two individuals who love one another whether or not they can wed. Or how about adopting? What poor, mistreated, passed-around foster child would not jump at the opportunity to be adopted by a gay couple who could provide them with the love and stability that they so desperately need? But no. Our government would rather see these kids in orphanages or "puppy mill" foster homes. (I know a lot of good foster parents, but there are also a lot of bad).
And here's another thing that really gets my blood pumping: Most states make it illegal for a gay couple to be married, yet any straight person can trot off to Vegas with a buddy, get wasted on free booze while he/she is gambling and run off to the nearest drive thru chapel after having known someone for all of 30 minutes to get married. THEN, after they've sobered up, they can get an annulment and start all over. The goverment lets straight couples treat marriage like a damned joke, but will not let committed gay couples, who would truly value the union, even have a shot at ONE marriage.
It is outrageous. This is 2009. There are huge problems in this world. Serious problems. People starving and dying from preventable diseases or being killed by corrupt governments. People losing everything because they can't find employment, being shot down in gang wars.
Knowing all of this, if you can look me in the eye and tell me that gay marriage should be illegal, I would suggest you do it from a distance.
Now...how do I get down off this soapbox?