Thursday, September 3, 2009


Hello kiddios! I hope you don't mind, but I am going to take a little break from blogging (perhaps I should have posted this a week ago BEFORE I started taking the break).
I just have about 300 things going on right now and a few things have to be put on hold, this blog being one of them.

Happy Blogging!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

That's... An Interesting Trim Job... (!!!!??!!)

It's Tuesday again and time for another Totally Awkward post courtesy of Tova Darling (can I ever thank you enough!?) Hit that link and visit Tova's page for a whole list of totally awkward posts!

Today, we go back to my 18th year of life. It was the summer after my Senior year in high school and I was working in Branson, MO at one of those trail ride places. You know, you'd come and give me $12.50 apiece and I'd put you on a horse and take you riding around for a few miles through the Branson countryside (because at that time there was actually a little countryside left) while you referred to me as something stupid like Cattle Annie.
Now the fellow who owned this place liked the pretty girls and after I started working there, he hired another girl (we'll call her Curly) who was very pretty indeed. Long, blond hair. Nice tan. Bright blue eyes. All the boys were really into her. I soon found out they were wasting their time in one of the most awkward situations in my illustrious history:

We were at work one Thursday when Curly suggested to me that I bring a change of clothes the next day and come over to her place after work. Her roommate was out of town and it would give us a chance to get to know one another socially, not to mention saving me a long drive because she lived right up the road from work.
So, the next evening, we did just that. Naturally, after having worked with horses all day long, we were dirty and grimy and sweaty and both needed a shower. Curly graciously showed me to the bathroom and the clean towels and suggested I go first since I was her guest. While I was showering, she popped into the bathroom to check on me. At the time I thought, "Okay, clearly, she doesn't have as many personal bounderies as I do, but whatever. It's not like she can see through the shower curtain."
I got dressed and kicked back in a rocking chair in her living room while she took her turn showering. All was well until... it wasn't anymore.
There I was, minding my own business and watching tv when Curly walked out of her bathroom, completely nude, and came down the hallway toward me. My brain screamed something incoherent and I turned quickly back to the television for something (ANYTHING) else to look at. This did not deter Curly - she just stepped in front of the tv, all the while getting closer to the rocking chair I was now starting to sweat in. She asked, "So, where do you want to eat tonight?" I answered, "Uh, I don't... I hadn't.... Uh, I, uh... WHAT!?" And thus the conversation went on for about the next 15 most uncomfortable seconds of my life. I am a person with serious personal bounderies, so physical closeness with those other than my immediate family makes me nervous anyway. Nevermind if you are a virtual stranger. Certainly nevermind if you are BARE-ASS-NAKED! So, it happened that Curly stepped even closer as I leaned even further back until BOOM! I flipped the rocking chair over, breaking the arm off of it, jumped up, apologized, grabbed my bag, made some lame excuse and got the hell out of dodge, as they say.
It didn't occur to me until the next day, when I was preparing to go back to work on Monday that I would, in fact, have to face her again. CRAP! CRAP CRAP! Any number of awkward things could happen, couldn't they?! How would she act? What would she say? What if I overreacted? Did normal 18 year old girls run around naked in front of one another? (not the ones I grew up with).
As it happened, she wasn't at all embarrassed, sorry or shy. For the last several weeks of that summer and that job, I just had to dodge, duck and dive this chic. It was that or yank her hair out and at that point, I was afraid she would enjoy a little hair pulling...

Monday, August 24, 2009

Pranks Gone Wrong and etc...

We live in Aurora, MO. Marionville, MO is the town next to ours. My son goes to Aurora High School. I attended Marionville. Okay, background out of the way, I'll go on with the story now:
This weekend, the Aurora police department was called to the Aurora High School because there was a dead deer lying in front of the entrance to the school. Upon investigating, the police found that the deer was wearing a Marionville Comets hat... I wonder if the turds who did this even remotely thought about the possibility that there were surveylance cameras all over the school??? Time will tell.

It's Monday, and I'm sure you are by now used to the fact that I am just not "with it" enough for a coherent post on this first day of the week, so I'm going to leave you with pictures from our trailride this weekend and wishes for a wonderful week!

View from one of the high trails:

Me and my kids. Hubby was riding one of mine yesterday, so I had them both there. Louie on the left and Rain on the right (doesn't she look happy!? not)

There is an old cemetary in this particular park. They don't keep it up anymore, unfortunately.

When we got home, Pea Pie decided he wanted to learn to do some roping. He did a pretty impressive job for his first day - ended up helping hubby out by roping a calf that needed a shot. Then he learned to give the calf a shot. He also learned we do not wield a syringe as if it's a sword...

Friday, August 21, 2009

Bits and Bobs

Well hello, hello, hello!! Not only is it Friday, but the weather here is AMAZING! High of 80 today and I'm declaring official Fall weather. I SAID I'M DECLARING IT!! (hope the weather is listening!)

Time for another edition of Friday Fragments (wooo-hooooo!) For more of these little tidbits, visit Mrs. 4444 at Half Past Kissin Time.

Let's see:
Have you ever used If you have trouble staying organized, keeping your house clean or anything like that, you should check it out. It's amazing and completely free!

It's time for Broiler Fest here in Crane, Missouri. What's Broiler Fest, you ask!? Well, it's a Festival celebrating the eating of many chickens (broilers are what eating chickens are called). There are carnival rides, a beauty pageant, crafters and...well, a lot of chicken to eat. That's what we're having for lunch today here at the dealership.
Now, here's the big scoop on Broiler Fest. Don Johnson (yep, the Miami Vice guy) has several family members living right in this area and every year, as long as he's not working, he comes to the Broiler Festival. Yesterday, he had lunch at Bootleggers in Aurora, MO (where I live). Last night he was at Ruby Tuesday in Springfield AND yesterday he got himself a Missouri Drivers License. hmmmm. I DO have 10 acres for sale. Wonder if he's looking for a place to build!?

My son is off to his dad's for the weekend after school today. I always say in a very cheery voice, "I'm so happy you get to see your dad this weekend. Have fun and stay safe!" But what I'm thinking is, "THIS SUCKS!"

Learning Spanish has become very difficult. Contrary to what a lot of people seem to believe you canNOT just throw el in front of every word and turn it in to spanish. EL CRAP!

OH! I still have not bought batteries for my digiscale, so I have no clue how much weight I've lost, but I'm building good habits - no soda now and tons of water, watching my portions AND...dum duh DAH!!!! getting a LITTLE exercise. It's a start.

I watched "Obsessed" starring Beyonce last night. That was pretty decent. I ended up yelling "THROW THAT BITCH DOWN THE STAIRS!" Which is EXACTLY what I would have done. Except the only stairs at our trailer are the ones on the front porch. I don't think that would have killed her, but it would have been a start.

My plans for the weekend include: STAYING HOME, RESTING & whatever else I decide to do (probably not much of anything but bask in this weather). I hope you all get to do the things you want this weekend, too!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Blogging Post

I know! Blogging about blogging. Who'da thunk it!? Yesterday I was catching up on your blogs and one of them got my attention. It's one of many I've read on the subject of blogging "rules" and one of many that have just rubbed me the wrong way.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how and why I blog. This is the third blog I've had because I am a perfectionist and after getting unhappy with the first two either because I didn't blog regularly or I just didn't like what I was saying, I started another. With this one, I finally buckled down and decided every post cannot be a wonderfully witty masterpiece and that it is more important to meet my goal of writing on a daily basis than to try and be perfect. I've been pretty darn good about doing just that, every Monday through Friday, since I started Abstract Arboretum. That's a goal that I have maintainted for a few months now and I'm happy about that.

But it seems that a lot of people blog because they want to be recognized or invited to Blogher or to get some sort of fame out of it. And that's fine, truly. But, it also seems like a lot of the bloggers who blog for those reasons think the rest of us should too and that if we don't, we are just wasting perfectly good space on the internet. Incase any of you were wondering, that is not why I'm here. What am I trying to say here? I better figure it out before this thing gets insanely long. To boil it down:

1. I do like gaining followers because it could mean that I'm doing something right and people are enjoying what I have to say. But gaining a follower could also mean that the person who is following does so in order to gain another follower themselves. "I'll follow you if you'll follow me" kind of a thing. I'm not really "down" with that scenario.

2. I blog because I have a writing goal and in order to become any sort of a good writer, you have to write. I know, it's shocking.

3. I do not care about blogher or about monetizing or about getting a thousand followers who are only following because they want me to return the favor. I am not here to social network by any stretch of the imagination and I would much prefer to have 5 followers who genuinely enjoy my blog than to have 500 who are just trying to gain popularity themselves. This isn't Mary Kay or Tupperware for me. It's just my blog.

4. Social networking IS a wonderful tool for many reasons. I use it for business, but I choose not to use it for my blog. Double standard? NO. Why? Because I am not judging you for the reason that you want to blog. I'm defending my right to blog without being judged by you.

4. I DO follow blogs that I sincerely enjoy. I don't follow very many because I have limited time to read them and it really pisses me off when people leave comments that make it clear that they are not really reading your blog. I would rather follow 20 of you and be able to follow you the right way than to follow 100 of you half-assed. Sometimes I'll get a comment that just makes it so blatantly obvious that a person has glanced over a post and then thrown out a quick comment. Whatever.
If you like my blog and leave comments that are sincere or that acknowledge you have ACTUALLY read that post, then thank you so very much! I do enjoy the vast majority of the comments that I receive.

5. I don't care why you blog - to each his own and more power to you! I'm not here to judge. If you are blogging in order to social network or to gain some sort of popularity or be recognized, I certainly don't blame you for it. However, I have read many posts now where these very bloggers carry on about how if you're going to blog then you ought to be doing a, b and c or you're not really a blogger. Well, to hell with that. Blog for whatever reason you want to for as long as it makes you happy, but please don't judge when others refuse to follow your little formula.

Thus concludes this installment of GERT ON A SOAPBOX. I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


I'm going to make this a quick one because I really need to catch up on reading YOUR posts.

To Brainella: know now that I am a dork of enormous proportions - Your potpourri and oil are on their way today, however, your votives will be delayed. I brought everything to work with me yesterday thinking I would run into work for a few minutes and then down to the post office to ship. Then I got caught up at work and forgot the stuff was in the car. You know... candles do not hold up well in high temperatures... Sincere apologies - they WILL be coming very soon.

To all of you: Stop laughing and cut me some slack. I'll be more prepared for my next giveaway!! Have a fantastic Wednesday!!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


It's time again for another Totally Awkward Tuesday (thank you Tova Darling!).

This morning, while driving to work, I was thinking which totally awkward moment I would be sharing and I settled on one, but then... this happened about 10 minutes after I got to work:

Some of you may remember from early posts about my work that one of our auto salesmen is also a preacher. Well, Preacher came into my office this morning and sat down with his cup of coffee. I had taken off early yesterday to take Pea Pie to an appointment and then shopping, so Preacher needed to fill me in a few work goings-on. He had been sitting in my office for about 5 minutes when he coughed and then got a funny look on his face. I thought he had dumped coffee in his lap and burned himself. I said, "ARE YOU OKAY!?" And he said, "I didn't burn myself. I coughed... and then I farted, but I didn't spill any coffee..."

I'm not sure for which of us it was more awkward, but there is no denying that it WAS awkward...

Monday, August 17, 2009

While We Were Away...

Hubby and I were staying the night in Arkansas Saturday night and the middle (step)child, who lives with her mom a few miles away, called to see if she could just stay all night out at the house (she's 16). I said sure - no parties. She said she was having her friend Sammi stay with her and it would just be the two of them. Little did I know how weird just the two of them could be.
I expected to come home to empty pantries, dirty dishes and a mess. I wasn't surprised there. I was NOT expecting to come home to a broken kitchen bench (one that lifts up and has book storage underneath), a misplaced zuchini and about 27 spoons in our freezer.
First, I said to Pea-Pie, "Why in the world would they have put spoons in the freezer?" And he very quickly replied, "You remember the choking yourself with a belt in the closet to get high thing everyone was doing? Well, now everyone is freezing spoons. Then they take two spoons and press one to each temple and it gets them sort of high."
I stood there staring at him, mouth wide open, for a good 5 seconds before I replied, "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!?" Then he laughed and said yeah, he just made it up. (points for having a good sense of humor. Minus points for screwing with mom.)

Here is the text exchange that ended up taking place between me and the Middle Child:

Me: Any reason there were 27 spoons in the freezer and my zucchini is missing from the table and the books were left on the floor under the broken kitchen seat?

Middle Child: O the seat broke frm my backpack the spoons were frm sam she hid them frm me and I didn't c a zucchini.

Me: Big green veggie that WAS on the table?

MC: OH! Yeah, check in the living room...

Me: Of room...gotcha.

MC: ya sry.

Get your dictionary. Look up "tiny freaks of nature". See that girl in the middle with the curly hair? That's our middle child...

Friday, August 14, 2009


Drumroll please.......


Woot! Woot! Way to go girl! email me at with your name and address so I can get these shipped. Thanks! Now we can wean you off of those high priced yank candles you've been buying. FYI, Spring Street Candle 26oz big jars are only $15 apiece AND, if you buy 2 or more, they are $10 apiece!!
I know after you try your votives, you'll be calling to have these shipped!

Thanks to everyone who signed up! Keep an eye out here at Abstract Arboretum for more great Spring Street Candle giveaways in the future! And if you want great quality candles, incense or potpourri before then, please visit

Bits and Bobs

Thank goodness today is

Seriously, my brain is refusing to boot up today. I've been awake for well over three hours and just can't quite get it going!

You have until Noon today to get entered in my giveaway (see Wendesday's post for details - it's easy as pie AND the winner is going to get some great products)!

I went to do my first weekly weigh-in today and....drum roll... the battrees were dead in my digiscale!! They're weird round battrees, too. So who knows how I've done weight wise? I do know that I'm almost completely off of soda again. yesterday a mere 10 oz, today I imagine I can drop it all together without headache worries. YAY!

Pea Pie will NOT let me hug him goodbye when I drop him off for high school. What the bloody hell? My husband seems to think this behavior is ACCEPTABLE! hmmmff! Boys!

Back to Eureka Springs for me this weekend and hubby is going along. I'm so excited about that! Although, the reason he's going is beyond hysterical. Mind you, he is not generally a jealous man, but this week I said to him, "You need to decide if you're going with my by Wednesday evening." His eyes got really big and he said, "WHY!? You don't have a boyfriend down there do you?!" I could not help but laugh. He uses up every last but of my patience - how could I possibly have time for a boyfriend? I explained (through tears of laughter) that I did not have a boyfriend, I just wanted to know because a couple of my friends were thinking of joining me. He went from "I don't know...." to "Yes, I would love to go with you" in about a 10 second span. However you look at it, I win!! I get to have my snuggle buggle with me for the weekend. Yes, I do call him stupid sickeningly sweet things like snuggle buggle.

Speaking of hubby, here's a little tidbit for you - every morning he eats S'mores flavored Pop Tarts and every morning he ends up with a glob of icing on the left side corner of his mouth. I can understand that. What I can't understand is his lack of concern over it. Again, hmmmf! Boys!

Yesterday I realized that my ex-husband's soon to be ex wife had her Facebook set so that anyone could read it. So, I did. And looked at all the pictures. It did not convince me that she is less crazy than I thought. Unfortunately, it just confirmed what I thought. pssssssssssssycho. Although, seriously, what does it say about me that I even looked? shudder...

I realized this week that, when writing about my cattle dog, I've been writing that he's a red healer... Sounds like he's a communist doctor. I MEAN red heeler. heeler. heeeeeeeler. Although, if he doesn't stop getting after our bottle calves I'll be calling him by an indian name: Walks-with-foot-in-butt.

Okay, that's all I've got and even that was a stretch this morning. dull brain! dull brain!

For more Friday Fragments, please visit Mrs. 4444 at Half Past Kissin Time!

Thursday, August 13, 2009


In my family, we like to scare people. We like to get scared. We like to watch people being scared on video. It's just funny. And I know people (my grandma for instance) who think that it is horrible to scare people - particulary your children, but I just have to disagree. Following is one of my very favorite episodes of SCARE THE BOY!!!
A few years ago, I pulled off my best scare EVER. Pea-Pie was on the other end of the house, singing and talking to himself in the shower (he doesn't begin to know the meaning of silence). I went into his room, took his telescope tripod and put it about 3 feet inside of his bedroom door, draped his coat around it and put a Scream mask on it. It looked like a small, sort of lopsided monster. Then I went into the living room and waited patiently with hubby to see my handiwork in action. Eventually Pea-Pie came down the hallway and into the living room (still singing and talking). He stopped to talk to hubby and I and, in my anticipation, I said, "You better go get your pjs on before you catch a cold! Hubby and I were just trying to keep a straight face.
Pea Pie walked, jumped, spun and danced his way (he's never still either) down the other hallway to his bedroom, still singing and talking and then... maybe for the first waking moment in his life... HE WAS COMPLETELY SILENT. For about three full seconds before: HE RAN SCREAMING AND FLAILING BACK THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM ALL THE WAY INTO THE KITCHEN BEFORE SPINNING AROUND AND HOLLERING: "MOM!!! YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUTTA ME! MY KNEES ARE SHAKING! THAT WAS AWESOME!!" Ah (wiping a tear from my eye), I'm so glad the boy has a good sense of humor...

If you don't think scaring people is funny, don't watch this video.

Note: I do NOT condone the scaring of toddlers who cannot understand that it's just a joke. Scaring toddlers is what started my lifelong fear of spiders - but that's a whole other story.

Reminder: To any of you who have not signed up for my giveaway, please see yesterday's post. We've only got about 6 entries so far - good odds for those who have entered... Bad for my blog. WHERE'S THE LOVE PEOPLE!?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

IT'S THE BIG 100!!! (loud cheering noises)

Today is the day!
It's the one-hundredth post on Abstract Arboretum and to celebrate, I'm having a giveaway!!!

The prize(s):

A half dozen votive candles in a variety of fragrances. These aren't just any old candles either. These are handpoured and saturated with scent at Spring Street Candle!

Click on the picture to get a closer look.

A bag of orange spice peel potpourri WITH a bottle of refresher oil. The refresher oil can be used to refresh the potpourri or sprayed on woodwork to give your entire home this incredible smell.

REALLY click on this picture for a closer look. This potpourri is BEAUTIFUL!

This giveaway will be decided by drawing. To get your name in the drawing:

1. Leave a comment on this post. (one entry for doing this one)

2. Have your friends and fellow bloggers leave a comment on this post, letting me know that YOU sent them here - this will get you AND your friend in the drawing. If your friend also becomes a follower of the blog, you will both receive TWO entries. (unlimited potential for entries for doing this)

3. Follow SpringStCandle on Twitter.
(one entry for participating in #3)

This allows you to pretty much get an unlimited number of entries in the drawing depending on how many of your friends and fellow bloggers you send over (and hey, help a sister out, would ya!?)
I will accept all entries between now and Noon Friday.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

How Low Can Ya Go?

Well, it's time for another installment of Totally Awkward Tuesday. A subject I fear I will never run out of posts for.

On this day I will concentrate on a totally awkward moment that my friend had. I saw it first hand, I laughed until I cried, I tried not to laugh for a minute and then I laughed some more.

I have had this particular friend since Kindergarten. We'll call her Fro-baby because she is prone to some unfortunate hair goings-on when she wakes up in the mornings. Also funny, but I digress.

Not so very many years ago, when Fro-baby was still a single lady, we would occasionally go out to the bars. This was obviously before the unfortunate series of events that led to my lifelong ban on drinking anything aside from the occasional glass of pinot.
One such night Frobaby, myself and my cousin were all at this little podunk bar where another cousin of mine had his band playing. I'm not going to lie - the combination of kick-ass music and unending pitchers of beer made it impossible NOT to get out on the dancefloor and shake our boo-tays. Dance, drink, dance, drink, drance, dink <---- this shows the progression toward what could possibly be described as drunkenness.

At this point, Frobaby and I were right up in front of the stage amongst a crowd of people dancing when I saw Frobaby start to turn in a circle and shake her booty on down toward the floor. Down she shook it, down she bent, down she... FELL FLAT ON HER ASS RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE IN THE BAR.
I bit my lip to keep from laughing...
I broke out into a smile anyway...
I turned to look at my cousin who was sitting at our table...
I saw that she was literally slumped over in the booth laughing hysterically...
I lost it...

There she was, still on the floor, sort of turtle-on-it's-back-like (generally pretty agile, but let's face it - alcohol tends to erase any traces of agility one might start out with). The look on her face clearly said, "Holy shit! I just fell down! I've got to get up! I can't get up! Help?" And do you think I helped? NO. I was too busy laughing and worrying about the imminent plot of my demise which she was sure to launch next morning.
I will say this, though, where most people would have died of embarrassment, Fro-baby stayed right out there and finished the song.

For more Totally Awkward moments, visit The Secret Life of Tova Darling every Tuesday!


Monday, August 10, 2009

What a Weekend!

Whew! I had to come back to work just to rest up from this weekend.

I left Saturday morning for Eureka Springs. Mike, Sonny and I went yard saling. I got a few books. My husband was absolutely thrilled as he always is when I bring new books home. That's a complete joke. He is actually afraid that one day (soon) there will be no room for living in our house, only room for books. He can't stop me though. NOONE CAN STOP ME!!! Muah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

After that, Mike and Sonny had to open the candle shop and we stuck around there until noon then headed to Basin Park to celebrate with our diverse friends at the Diversity Weekend get together. Back to the candle shop until late afternoon when I headed home.

Yesterday was a laid back, too dang hot to do anything, kind of day.
Nothing special was happening at all, but then I checked my messages and BEHOLD:

Georgie-Porgie over at Decisionally Challenged has graced me with my first ever Blog Award. SQUEEEEEEEE!!! I'm pretty excited about that, Thanks Georgie!!

Now the rules are that I am supposed to pass this on to 10 more lovely blogs, but I'm going to round down to 5 because, at this point, I don't follow very many blogs. So, for my 5 (and I'm not going to give one to Georgie, but only because she already got this award):

47 and Starting Over

On the Front Porch

My Aimless Infatuation (the chirping birds are especially lovely!)

Half Past Kissin Time

World of Weasels

I'm not going to post rules with it... If you want to pass it on, I'm sure that whoever receives it will be thrilled!

Now then, pay close attention: Abstract Arboretum is ALMOST to the 100 posts mark and upon reaching that goal there will be a FANTASTIC giveaway. Stay tuned!!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Bits & Bobs

It's Friday, It's Friday!! Time for Friday Fragments (check out Half Past Kissing Time for a bunch more links to other great FFs!)

I still don't "get" how to grab the Friday Fragment button and use it over here...

We went to see Montgomery Gentry in concert last night. I have a few Fragments on that experience:
1. I am too old to be listening to loud concerts - my head hurts and I can't hear this morning (but it was still fun).

2. I figured out last night that it isn't that I don't like country music, it's that listening to rowdy country music is directly linked to my wanting to drink in ridiculously excessive amounts. I DIDN'T drink anything because I don't anymore, but I sure wanted to.

3. I need to calm it down with giving strangers nicknames. I'm getting pretty creative with it, though. The usual suspects are Coughy Cougherson or Smoky Smokerson, but last night I got behind an old man who had a bit of a hitch in his step and I said (to myself inside my own head of course), "Get along there Limpy Leventhall." LIMPY LEVENTHALL!?

I discovered this week that a little product named Chiggerrid can be your best friend if you've walked the 20 yards from your car to my ex-husband's front porch and been attacked by a nest of those chiggery little bastards.

If you get bit by a chigger on one of your boobs, it's all you'll think about ALL DAY LONG because you can't just scratch it, can you!? At least not without everyone you work with talking about it.

Adult chiggers have eight legs which means they are related to SPIDERS, which means that one of my big unlikely fears HAS COME TRUE. Unlikely fear #1: Spiders will become blood sucking parasites. (fear realized as I learned that ticks are also a part of the arachnid family and now this chigger thing).
Unlikely fear #2: Spiders will mutate into flying creatures. Do NOT tell me if there is already some sort of flying spider in the world.

I'm addicted to learning Spanish. I don't know how to say that in Spanish yet, but I'll learn. Oh yes. I will. Yo lleva calcetines y zapatos! Yeah, I said it...

I was disappointed this morning to see that the lot boy got his hair cut. It was growing into quite a fuzz-fro.

I am heading to Eureka Springs tomorrow to visit with my friends down there! Yay!!

I guess that's about it for this week - Hope you all have a great weekend!!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Here We Go!

Well, I'm going to say it outloud. Just going to put it out there so I can be held accountable:
It's time to lose weight.
Julie at 47 and Starting Over is doing it. (and very well might I add)
She is doing quite an inspiring job.

I've gone from a point where I could claim curviness to a point where there is no denying - I'm a fatty. It is what it is. I won't be doing anything special or magical, just eat less and exercise more (more means any whatsoever since at this point I don't do a whole lot that could be considered exercise).
I'm quitting soda again as of today. I did that for three full months a while back and it didn't help me lose weight. This time I'm doing it because it's simply bad for me. I'm going to TRY and remember to take a vitamin every day. I seem to have some mental block that causes me to avoid vitamins. Maybe I'll strap a bottle to my shirt - Kindergarten note-to-your-mom style (I am sure this is where the phrase "word to yo mama" originated).
For now, that's the plan - No soda, daily vitamin, eat smaller portions of food and get moving. Once I've recovered from these changes, I'll make a few more. I figure it's a good idea not to freak myself out over it.

Tonight we're off to the Ozark Empire Fair (okay, the no soda thing will have to start tomorrow - they have A&W on tap at the fair. Just keepin' it real) to see Montgomery Gentry in concert (thanks for the tix Disc Jockey friend). I'm not a huge fan of new country but hubby is all kinds of excited about it and I bet it'll be a good concert. They look like they'd put on a fun show. Plus we're going up early to "walk around the fair." For me that means people watching. Let's face it, there are no more interesting people in the world than the ones at the local Fair. For hubby that means walking through the livestock barns and then going to see the giant vegetables while saying stuff like, "That ain't nothin'. One year Bubba Joe threw out a watermelon rind in his back yard and then his septic tank backed up in the same spot. Hell, I guess them seeds took hold in all that natural fertilizer 'cause Bubba had watermelons twice the size of that one there."

I'll let you know how it goes.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I survived...

Well Freshman registration & orientation didn't kill me and Pea Pie is really excited for school to start. The high school is beautiful (I had only ever been to the commons and the gym before) and seems easy to find your way around in.

We stood in line for a little over an hour getting all of the paperwork turned in and etc. I was happy to see that Pea Pie is no longer so very much smaller than most of the other boys. Although, there are a couple handsfull of very large, homegrown farm boys in this class. I'm 5'9 and found myself looking up at several boys that I didn't have to look up at last year.

It's a funny group. As far as I can tell, it's divided up like this:
Farm boys
One really preppy kid.

I verified this with my son and he said I needed to add potheads to my list... Then rolled his eyes when I gave him the "just say no" speech for the hundredth time.

The girls fall under 2 categories in my mind:
Skanks who might ruin my son
His cousin

Orientation was like all orientations are. Principle spoke. Vice principal spoke. They both seem like nice fellows. Then the counselor got up and um she um talked for like um about um ten minutes. But, um really, like she could have um said everything she needed to in about um 3 IF SHE HAD STOPPED WITH THE UMS EVERY OTHER WORD! I was actually squirming in my seat over it. My husband kept cracking up because he knew it was all I could do to keep from screaming. (I'm going to be the bitchiest old woman EVER, I just know it. But, that's a whole other story).
After all of the teachers were introduced, they let us loose with maps and schedules and we walked around to all of the classrooms. That was a lot of fun. And it made this crazy mom feel a little better - knowing I can kind of picture where he is going to be now.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Great Crash of '89

Welcome to another installment of Totally Awkward Tuesday! For a lot more funny and usually embarrassing stories such as this, head over to The Secret Life of Tova Darling.
Picture it: Marionville, Missouri (home of the white squirrels), 1989. High School football game. In a town where football is VERY important and the bleachers are always crowded with folks. Half time. Are you picturing it?

Now imagine, if you will, the band. The high school marching band. A really excellent, 3rd in the STATE field competition band. I was one of two drum majors. We had a fantastic half time show - we only did college level field routines. Yeah, that's how serious we were. (you see the sarcasm? You see how I can make fun now of the fact that we WERE SO FREAKIN SERIOUS? Funny now, sure. Funny then? NO.)

So, during this half time show, the band played a couple of songs (with the other drum major and I up on our big boxes directing everyone) and then we did a drum break where only the percussion section played and gave the rest of the band time to get in a different formation AND the flag people (you know the girls who wave those pretty pretty flags around in sync with one another?) to have their flags changed out. It so happens, that as drum major, it somehow became my job to run (and I mean RUN) out onto the field with my arms full of flags, stop in front of each flag carrier and switch out her flag until I had gone through the whole line. Then I had to RUN back to the front, get back up on my box (where is that thing now when I need to preach about something?) and begin directing the band in their next song. Got it?

On this particular night everything went as planned right up to the part where I RAN out onto the field. The wet, wet field. When I got to the very first flag carrier and attempted to stop, what actually happened was that I slid past her, hit the ground, continued to slide, rolled completely over and then jumped up. I never dropped ONE of the flags I had my arms full of either. I heard it. I heard the crowd's collective gasp as I hit the ground. I prayed for the ground to please, just please open up and swallow me now. It didn't. I stood up and continued to switch out flags and then ran back to my box where I was met with laughter and applause. LAUGHTER and applause. (bunch of douches).

And you would think that would be enough wouldn't you? That wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that Monday we got to 1st hour band and we began to review the video of the show (told you we were serious). I realized from the start of the tape that we would be, uh... reviewing my crash. I did NOT realize that the band director would rewind it 4 or 5 times - play it again, play it in slow motion, use his stupid stick pointer to tap the screen and relay his favorite parts, etc. He wasn't being mean, mind you. It sounds like he was, but you'd have just had to know him. I have to admit that I was laughing right along with everyone else upon seeing this AND I forgave the crowd at the game for their laughter too. You couldn't possibly see it and not laugh, but to this day, if I think about it much I can still feel my cheeks turning red with embarrassment.

Monday, August 3, 2009

High School

How can two simple words make one person ache with sadness while another practically oozes excitement?
How can my baby - the "squishy" little boy - be growing into a man? Squishy is certainly a thing of the past with his practically 0 bodyfat, 6 pack, pecs, hard jaw line... NOT the looks of a little boy. (how does he get to be all muscular when I am most definitely still squishy?) He's having to shave his face (and I tease him that he needs to do something with those armpits and legs).

I am excited for him. Really! I'm not just saying that. I'm excited because I remember well what it felt like to have your whole future and the promise to make it whatever you want to right in front of you.
I'm excited to see the choices he makes and watch him grow and learn and become what I'm sure will be a wonderful man.
But I am overcome with grief at the idea of him moving out. I have spent every second of the past 14 years and 3 months focusing on him and enjoying his presence. What will I do when he leaves?
I keep trying to just focus on NOW and know that I have AT LEAST 4 more years of him being in the house. (hopefully more like 8). I just know that if I don't start preparing myself a little at a time that I will absolutely meltdown when the time comes.

I AM looking very much forward to watching him go through High School, though. I just don't want to blink and realize he's getting ready to walk down that isle and receive his diploma! He's all nervous that upperclassmen really will take Freshmen in to bathrooms and give them swirlies. I told him that stuff just happens on tv, but maybe don't broadcast the fact that he plays Dungeons and Dragons, lmao! He just shook his head at me.

SO, mom's who might read my blog who have dealt with this.... help me out. How do you deal?

Friday, July 31, 2009

Bits and Bobs

As you all are probably aware: It's FRIDAY! Which generally means that my attention span is far too short to carry on a long post. So, today you get Bits And Bobs of my week, my thoughts, my neurosis:

My dad and step-mom are out of town this week and I am supposed to be gathering eggs and veggies and distributing them. One day in and I already forgot. Hope those chickens don't get all freaked out and stop laying. Or go all gangwars on me when I walk in the coop tonight!

I can't seem to write a post it note right side up, so there are upside down notes sticking all over the bottom of my computer screen.

We are convinced that Talky Pete is now doing drug deals on the parking lot with T-Dub's unemployed brother-in-law. I am thinking of telling him the boss has ordered a pee test just to see how bad he freaks out. Then when he gets over the shock, I'm thinking of actually suggesting to the boss that he order a pee test. heh heh heh. Hey, I have a small dark side and it must come out and play occasionally. Besides, the guy's a douche.

I almost called in sick this morning and I'm not even sick. That is just SO not me. I was telling this to hubby on the way to work and he laughed at me. LAUGHED AT ME! He said, "Gert, you may have fantasized, but there's no way you actually considered it." So much for my being a rebel today.

Every time our vet castrates something at the house, he feeds the er.... testes to my red healer. Maybe I don't want my dog eating balls. I'm just saying.

I was a little disappointed Obama chose Bud Light for his drink of choice at the "Beer Summit" this week. And I think Budweiser should consider some truth in advertising. Perhaps something like:
Bud Light - Because a headache and the shits... Well, that's just how I roll.

I was absolutely shocked that the government suspended the Cash for Clunkers program after a mere 3 days. Our dealership did not manage to put a SINGLE one of these deals together thanks to all of the bureaucracy and paperwork. I guess I should be relieved. I was under the impression our government didn't have any money anyway...How were they going to pay us for these deals?

My plans for the weekend include a trip to Barnes and Noble and a trail ride that I may remember to take pictures of (fingers crossed).

AND last, but certainly not least: I wish you all a wonderful weekend full of whatever it is you are wishing for.

Check out Friday Fragments at Half Past Kissing Time!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Lookie What's Growing in My Garden!

I love my tomatoes. My radishes were delicious. Now we're to the important stuff:

A little vision of my favorite season: FALL
Which has within it my favorite holiday: Halloween
Because it kicks off my favorite time of the year: The Holiday Season.
Which contains all of my favorite things: Food, Family, Friends, Fun, Dinners, Giving, Gifts, SNOW, Warm Fabulous Clothes!!

Can you believe the sight of one little pumkin brought all of this to mind!?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I canNOT Believe...

I forgot yesterday was Totally Awkward Tuesday!! It's my favorite blog day now because I have like a thousand Awkward stories. DANG!
By the way, this is my 2nd post for today, so don't forget to read below for the REAL one!

How to Jinx Yourself In Just Five Easy Steps

#1. Listen to your great aunt's story about how she got stung in the face by a red wasp that morning and is now headed to the hardware store for wasp bombs.

#2. Tell great aunt how you have literally not been stung in twenty years and how you have stopped buying epi pens because you think you've just figured out how to avoid being stung and that it's been so long now you doubt you would even have an allergic reaction if you DID get stung. (smile wisely)

#3. Go to lunch with husband the very day you had the conversation with great aunt.

#4. Accidentally piss off a bunch of red wasps.

#5. Get stung

Following the above self jinxing procedure, wait for your tongue to swell up and then take benadryl. Try not to fall asleep at work.

Thanks for tuning in to How to Jinx Yourself In Just Five Easy Steps!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Clearcut Case of More Balls than Brains...

So about 3 months ago, this man walked into the Ford dealership where I work and started talking to one of the salesmen. He had just inherited a 600 acre beef farm and a lot of money and he was needing a few vehicles. He ordered a couple of brand new trucks, a new Flex, a 2010 Shelby Mustang Cobra GT and picked out three used vehicles that we already had on the lot. We all thought that was an awful lot of cars, everyone envied the salesman that had waited on the guy. Except my husband. My husband said, "You mark my words...That man is a snake in the grass."
Well, a bounced Seventy Four THOUSAND dollar check and two stolen vehicles (because the check for them had bounced) later, we figured out that hubby was on to something.

I stand behind my boss's philosophy of running this place with trust even though I know some of you are probably thinking HOW COULD HE TAKE A 74K CHECK WITHOUT VERIFYING FUNDS!? He's been in this business a LONG time and has never been burned before now. Our customers LOVE the laid back atmosphere here and thankfully, this hasn't affected him in such a way that he is going to change that. Obviously, he did turn the check over to the prosecuting attorney and press charges.

Anyway, upon doing some research, we figured out that this guy had been in some serious trouble a year ago for Squatting in someone's home after writing the guy a 7k bad check. We looked up the case files that he has or has had in the past and GEEZ, there were a lot of them. Including being sued by his own father-in-law.

Yesterday, the police finally recovered one of the stolen vehicles and this morning when we got to work, it was sitting here on our lot. Looks good - not damaged or anything. We're glad to have it back and hoping one of the many customers who have called on it in the past little bit will still be in the market.
BUT HERE'S THE KICKER: In the glovebox of the returned stolen truck WERE PAPERS WHERE HE HAD GONE TO ANOTHER DEALERSHIP AND ORDERED ANOTHER MUSTANG!!! This guy is OUT OF CONTROL! We promptly called the other dealership hoping they hadn't already put the order in for this car - they had NOT, thank goodness.

If you hadn't already guessed, the inherited farm and money were both lies. According to the police and prosecuting attorney, this guy is going to prison when they catch him and rightly so. I just cannot begin to imagine what would cause a person to live their lives like this. It's just insane. And maybe literally insane. It IS certain that this dude has a huge set of juevos and a teeny tiny brain.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Paint Job Anyone?

I had heard the rumors, but I didn't believe them to be true until now.
You see, my office has two enormous windows leading out into the showroom of the dealership. As I was sitting here working this morning, this is what took place:

A very large man entered the show room. I smiled in the friendly manner I always do when a customer enters the building.
I saw a quick movement to my left and looked up to see Talky Pete RUSHING around his office with a terrified look on his face.
As the large man went over to the Service and Parts window, Talky taped a sign to the men's room door. I leaned forward to see what it said: SORRY, OUT OF ORDER.
Then I began this conversation with Talky:

What in hell are you doing? That bathroom isn't out of order.

Yes it IS!

No it's not.

STOP IT!! That's the GUY! The one who ALWAYS uses our bathroom and sprays crap everywhere!

Come on, you're exaggerating.


The wall? Really?

Then my husband pops around the corner: YES, GERTIE, THE WALL!


My husband had told me about this guy. About how every single time he comes in for an oil change, he uses the bathroom and every single time he uses the bathroom, he sort of explodes in there. I figured he was just being ridiculous. After seeing the general reaction this guy garnered upon entering the dealership, I decided maybe it wasn't just sillyness after all.

The man is sitting in the waiting area now. So help me, if he squirts up the women's restroom, I am NOT cleaning it. NEVAH NEVAH NEVAH!!!

Friday, July 24, 2009

So Last Weekend....

I went to Eureka Springs to run my friend's store. They were off to Dallas for a fun family birthday adventure. I was stoked! Man-Oh-Man!
First of all, I got to stay here:

With a balcony overlooking the main historical street in town:

That's my friend's place. He and his partner are lucky enough to live upstairs from their beautiful store, Spring Street Candle (keep an eye out for a fabulous upcoming giveaway on this blog!!).

So, anyway, I went down Friday night, stopped at the grocery store on the way for a frozen pizza and a bottle of pinot grigio (I know, I know) and then headed upstairs to begin enjoying my mini-vacation.
This would probably be a great time to tell you that I am a scardey-cat the likes of which you have never encountered. I am afraid of my own shadow, ghosts, monsters, spiders, that thing from Jeepers Creepers, goblins, gremlins and a number of other things that do and/or do not exist.
As I was walking up the stairwell to the apartment, I thought to myself "Holy shit! I'm here by myself. This building is OLD. I'll be okay. I'll be okay."

I put all of my stuff down and started preheating the oven so I could warm up my gourmet frozen pizza and decided to check the rest of the place out. My friend had been all excited about me seeing how he had decorated the place and for some reason, he was particularly excited about the master bath. I approached the master bath and noticed that the door was closed. I automatically assumed that, before leaving, he had put something in the bathroom that would scare the ever living crap out of me. (I don't know... maybe Jeepers Creepers is his roommate when I'm not there). Needless to say, he got an enourmous kick out of hearing how I had inched the bathroom door open, little by little, muscles tense and ready to leap into action, only to find that there was nothing in there except a really cute bathroom.
Five minutes later, I carried my grocery bag into the kitchen so I could get my pizza out and oven-ready. As I walked into the kitchen, I saw my reflection in the wood and glass door that leads onto the back porch and noticed THERE WAS SOMETHING WHITE FLOATING BY MY LEG! I went into pure panic mode before realizing it was THE GROCERY BAG I was carrying (I know, scary stuff, huh?)!
Later that night, when I heard the downstairs doorhandle being jiggled, I literally ran around in circles trying to decide what to do. A very scary peek out the door revealed the city police doing their nightly door check of all the downtown businesses.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'll tell you this: Next time I have to stay by myself, I'm getting two bottles of pinot and I'm going to apply them liberally!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Busy Week!

It's been a very busy week. You may be able to tell that by these embarrasingly short posts, but there's not a lot I can do about that. Normally when I'm in this situation, I'll sit down in the evening and write a post for the next morning but my adorable bunny has chewed through not one, but both of our laptop cords at home. (By the way, if you ever have to buy a new AC adapter for a laptop, go to Ebay!! I got two of them for 21.80 INCLUDING SHIPPING!!).

Anyway, in the absense of my laptop, I've been reading a new series of books. They're supposed to be about a vampire boarding school (yes, I know these are teen books) but I suspect they're actually teen romance (smut) books. Anyway, there are 5"House of Night" books out so far. What have I learned from reading teenage smut books? That my two new favorite words are shitbucket and shitcake. Please try to work one or both of these words into conversation today and then leave comments letting me know how it went...


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

It Bearly Happens Here (pun intended)

Here's what it takes to make a bunch of grown people in my neck of the woods act like Jesus has come home:

We were pretty shocked to see this in our driveway. I don't know anyone who has ever seen one in our area before now, but apparently, there are now at least two out there. As exciting as it was, I was really surprised at the reaction in the area: It was like the First Baptist emergency phone tree had been activated! Within a couple of hours everyone knew about it, was talking about it and had it surrounded in this tree taking pictures of it. At one point, it finally gave up and just took a nap up there. Poor bear. I guess as long as it doesn't decide our bottle calves look like tasty little morsels, I'm fine with it.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Totally Awkward Tuesday

Don't you hate starting a new job? I always have. You don't really know anyone and you don't generally know what you are doing. It can make for an uncomfortable experience to say the least.
Today's Totally Awkward post deals with my first day working in radio (which I did for many years). I was starting out as the receptionist on a phone system that was outrageously difficult to use, uncomfortable in the shirt they had provided me (with the station logo on it. The shirts were white and I swear to this day that they were somewhat seethrough), several of the men were absolute panting dogs AND the place was total chaos. Not a great start.
As lunch time rolled around, I learned that it was my daily duty to order lunch for all of the managers. There was a great little restaurant just down the street and I was to call and find out what the specials were. I did. This is what I heard the restaurant lady say:
"Today's special is the prime rib sandwich with au jus and your choice of super salad."
As luck would have it (I thought), all the managers were gathered together in the conference room having just finished a meeting. I entered the room and announced that day's special:
"Prime rib sandwich with au jus and your choice of super salad. I guess you guys know about the different super salads. They didn't really go over that on the phone."
I was met with several blank stares - the ones that are coupled with a look that says a person is about to break out into hysterical laughter, but they're waiting for their brains to process what's going on first and make sure they've heard you correctly. I would say that lasted for a full (very quiet) 4 seconds before the sales manager said, "Is there any chance that what they said was soup OR salad rather than super salad?" The look on my face must have told them everything they needed to know. They all died laughing.
After calling the restaurant AGAIN to find out what soup they were serving that day, I finished ordering for them and somehow managed not to die of embarassment.
I worked at that particular station for two years and I would bet there was not a single day that went by in which some smartass didn't walk up to me while I was having lunch and ask if I was having a super salad...

For more TAT fun, don't forget to visit The Secret Life of Tova Darling!

Monday, July 20, 2009


I'm so tired! My brain is not working correctly. I had a great weekend, but I can't get my thoughts together enough to blog about it.
I'm just going to go read your blogs instead...

Friday, July 17, 2009

Rodeo Within a Rodeo

We went to our little town's rodeo last night. The 52nd annual Rockin A Saddle Club rodeo. I have always wondered what having a heart attack might feel like and last night I may have come close to finding out.

Let me set this story up for you:
All of our kids took their horses so they could ride around before the rodeo and ride the grand entry.
My husband took my mare and one that he has for sale. He rode mine and led the other along with him (with neon orange for sale signs on her no less). At some point, my sister in law wanted to know if she could ride one of them, so hubby said sure - you ride Gertie's and I'll ride For Sale Horse. Well, the one he has for sale has not been ridden very many times - he just started breaking her to ride, so she doesn't know anything and hasn't seen much.
You also need to know that my son's horse (Beau) is widely known to be one of the most fantastic horses EVER. We are constantly having to turn down offers on him because he's beautiful, classy and unusually well-behaved. HOWEVER, he has not been ridden double (where someone sits in the saddle and another person sits behind it).

Back to the heart-attack:
My Sister In Law got on my horse and did just fine. My husband got on For Sale Horse and she wanted to buck, but he got her under control and went on down the arena. My son rode by with a very cute little girl on the back of his horse (again - son's horse not used to this, but looked like he couldn't care less about the extra passenger). I said to my son, "Hey, why don't you catch up with your step daddy and ride alongside him for awhile so that For Sale Horse will feel more confident." <---Remember this so you know who to blame for the upcoming scene:

Pea Pie began to trot his horse so that he could catch up with Hubby.
The cute girl behind Pea Pie began to bounce.
THAT is the moment that I suspect Beau discovered that he did, in fact, HAVE an extra passenger.
I'm no mind reader, but I think I can say with some certainty that Pea-Pie's horse was thinking a little something like this:

HEY! FOR SALE HORSE! THERE'S SOMETHING ON MY BUTT! LOOK! (and as he ran past, the cute girl slid off of him, pulling Pea-Pie right along with her. Pea Pie FLAILED right into the side of For Sale Horse)

My poor son and the little girl I am sure he was trying to impress had fallen off right there in front of Bob and everybody (Pea Pie said he slid all the way down the arena on one buttcheek which is still red and maintains were it not for the girl dragging him down, he wouldn't have fallen). Hubby took one helluva ride all the way down one side of the arena, but managed to stay on. Pea Pie's horse ran right into the roping box and stood there waiting for his boy to come and catch him.
I ran (or what sort of passes for running) down to everyone to make sure they were all okay. And then I realized... That was ALL MY FAULT. And then I wondered would anyone remember that I had caused that? On the way home, when everyone was chatting about the evening and I thought noone would ever know it was me who caused this whole scene, Pea Pie said, "Mom, you know if you hadn't told me to catch up to For Sale Horse, none of that would have happened..."

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince...and me.

You may or may not know, but I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan. I didn't pick up one of the books until there were already 4 of them out and my grown cousin insisted I give it a try. Well, like many, I was hooked.
I went to buy the 5th, 6th and 7th books at midnight on their release dates and I've been to the midnight showing of all of the movies that had a midnight showing near our town.
So, this week I thought, maybe I better go get our tickets in advance. There were nine of us meeting there - more adults than children. I went Monday evening and as I was walking up to the theater, realized I was by myself. This could be slightly embarrassing. There were other adults in line for tickets to that evenings (normal grown-up) movies. I felt my face get really hot as I had this conversation with the ticket kid:

(whispering): Hi, I'd like 9 tickets to tomorrow's midnight showing of Harry Potter.


(clearing throat and speaking just a LITTLE more loudly): I said I'd like 9 tickets to tomorrow's midnight showing of Harry Potter.

(Practically yelling): You need NINE tickets? (pause) TO HARRY POTTER?

(sigh) Yes, the midnight showing please. (smiling at the grown-ups standing in the next line).

We showed up, the next night at midnight, and the movie was sold out (ha! I KNEW I should get those tickets in advance!). I have never seen a sold out movie in this town, but there it was. We got there early, got our popcorn and etc. and I walked around feeling PRETTY DARN SMART until... We walked into the actual screen room and... had to sit on the VERY front row! Seems I wasn't the only smart one - in fact, I was one of the least.

Two and a half hours and a very stiff neck later I announced that I would sit on the front row and watch it again right that very minute, though. It was BRILLIANT! Loved it. For having strayed so far from the book, I thought it was very well done.

Yesterday, as I sat here at work trying not to fall asleep at my desk, I told my husband that the next time I wanted to go see a midnight movie during the workweek to please remind me that I am OLD and I have to WORK and... to go earlier because at least then I won't have a stiff neck the next day.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Word Verification

I've noticed on some of your blogs that I have to type in a word to verify I'm a human leaving a comment and not some robot spammer.
I totally get that. Take Twitter for example - I'm not sure anyone on Twitter has more robot sex addicts following them than I do, so I do totally get it.
I just find some of the actual words for word verification funny. I know they are supposed to be randomly created, but I can't help picture some nerdy little guy with horn-rimmed glasses behind a massive computer somewhere typing in words like:


and then giggling while we type it in for verification.

I have been very tempted to make THAT the actual subject of the comments I leave.
Like hey, Georgie, I had to type in farkler to leave this comment, lol.

Or hiya WeaselMomma, I had to type in flarfitude to leave this comment, ha ha ha.

So far, I've been able to refrain, but you just never know...

Monday, July 13, 2009

Dorkism Defined

I've been reading about Tova Darling's Totally Awkward Tuesdays for a few weeks now. I knew right away, this was something I could do every week for years without running out of stories, so I decided to just jump feet first this week into the icy waters of (DUM DUH DAH <---scary noises) Junior High School.

I went to a small school where K-12, we were all in one big building. Jr. High and High School kids took some classes (like band) together. I had a huge crush on this high school boy. Now understand that many of these posts could start this way because I was a hormonal mess and generally had a new huge crush every week or so. This particular boy was popular - football player, drummer in the band, basketball, baseball - you know the boy. I also thought he was good looking, although having pulled out a high school yearbook recently, I can't remember why I thought that. But I did. I was probably paying more attention to his butt for some reason than his face. What is about teenage girls and butts? Honestly, when it comes to high school boys, the only possible function a butt could serve is to stink up a school bus or a classroom. But, there's a chance that I am just babbling to put off the really embarrasing part:

I had gone to babysit for the son of a friend of my dad's. He was only a toddler, so in bed by 8pm. I noticed that these folks had a typewriter in their living room, and I was just dying to try it out. With my mind constantly screaming the crush-boy's name at me (Ryan by the way), the only obvious thing I could do was to type him a letter. So I did. And I swear to all that is good and holy, it went a little something like this:

Dear Ryan,
I think you're super cute. I really want to get to know you better. Sometimes it's hard to imagine when we would have time - the school hallways are always so busy. But I wanted to give you this letter so that you might take the time to talk to me. Just know that I want you to like me for me and NOT for the material things that surround me.
Love always,

Yes, I DID launch into some Madonna lyrics. Looking back, I can't imagine what I was thinking for SO many reasons. What kind of message was I trying to send? I didn't even HAVE any material things, for the love of Pete.
My friend, who I excitedly let read the letter before taking it to him for me BEGGED me not to give it to him. I couldn't imagine why. She did give it to him, though, right in the lunch room. Where he took it to the table. And read it in front of ALL of his friends.
I know you're wondering, "GERTIE!? Did he run over to your table and pronounce his undying love for you right that very moment over your plate of beefy mac and green beans!?" The shocking answer is NO. He did NOT.
But thinking back, I must have somehow put that incident completely out of my mind for the remainder of the years he and I attended school together because I can remember several conversations with him in which I did not melt away in embarrassment while remembering that letter.
And the other day, he requested to add me on Facebook. I had to stop and wonder momentarily, "Is he doing this so that he can show all of his new grown up friends the girl who wrote that letter!?"

The Natural Scheme of Things

Hang on to your seats because I need to purge. Sorry, in advance, for the darkness, but I swear there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Call me crazy (you wouldn't be the first), but I think there should be some sort of natural flow to a family. I think the older folks should act like the older folks - mature, caring, concerned, sharing...
There's been a huge shift in my family for some time now. I guess it's not as much in my family as the way I view them and the tolerance I have for their non-traditional roles.
My mom is a drunk. She has been for a long time now. Why not? She comes from a long line of them herself - on both sides of her family. Her dad, her mom's dad, several uncles, etc. etc. Her brother is the same (although he is, at least, nice).
My biological father has never had anything to do with me, although I will give him the credit of saying that he tried. There was a phone call. It took about 30 seconds of that to figure out he, too, is a drunk. Didn't pursue that little relationship as there are plenty of alcoholics in my life already.
My adopted dad is... Well, maybe the most bitchy and judgemental person you have ever met in your life. Has not a kind word for me, my step sisters, my step mother or a stranger and seldom for his grandchildren- is only nice to his friends.
Last week was tough for me. Last week I got into an argument with my mom's mom who I had long ago deemed about the only sane person in my family. She has done a LOT for me in my life and she's about the only one (friends aside - I have the BEST friends). But family-wise, gramma was it. As I said, there's been a dramatic change in the way I view my family. Sort of a letting go of them so that I could purge my life of the negativity. It's what I need. I've begun to see them as a sort of cancerous growth - one on the surface that just needs to be lopped off so that the rest of me can be truly healthy. Gramma was the last hold out - the one who, in my mind, was the good one. I had to be honest with myself after the argument - she HAS done a lot of good things for me in my life. That does not mean she IS good for me. She is the single most negative person you will ever meet. Behold the conversation that took place, causing our argument, causing the light to come on above my head pointing out that this conversation was the same as ALL our conversations:
I called her and -

Hi Gramma! I just wanted to make sure you knew our trip to Eureka Springs was next weekend and not this one.
Yes, of course I realize that. What time are you meeting me?
6:30 on Friday.
Okay, so 6:00 on Friday at Wal-Mart?
No, 6:30 on Friday. I don't get off work until 6:00.
Oh, okay. Are we taking my car?
Sure, I know you don't like to leave it parked like that.
Oh, good! So 6:00 on Friday. (are you starting to see why I might have thought she would be confused about which weekend?)
No gramma, 6:30 - maybe you better write it down.
Okay. I guess I'll have to make this call a short one because (in the most horrible and sarcastic voice you could imagine) I have to go to Cletas for a Birthday Party...
(trying to ignore the horrible attitude) Oh, cool! What did you get her?
A stupid yard ornament. She likes those horrible things, has at LEAST 4 of them in her front yard. I suppose she'll like it, but if she doesn't, it's not my problem. They're always inviting me to stupid birthday parties and stupid Christmas parties. And ALL they EVER give you is candles! Candles for your birthday, candles for Christmas. Who wants all those damned candles!? It's ridiculous!
-Please remember that this conversation is a replica of ALL conversations with her, no matter what the subject. This is where I just sorta lost it and said: Gramma, you know if you go on this trip with me we are NOT bitching about everything, we are NOT discussing family or ALL of the things you DON'T like.
Of course I know that! All you people think that everytime I open my mouth, I'm bitching about something.
Because it's TRUE!

And then she started to cry. Great. I made my gramma cry. I felt like a horrible piece of shit for two days. Like I had a bowling ball in my stomach.
And then I realized: I am sad that I do not have a traditional family. I am sad that I don't and never have had a mom or a grandma to run to with my troubles or to sit and talk happily with. An elder woman who would hug me and teach me. I see that grandmotherly person in my mind - someone to sit and talk quietly with over a cup of coffee or to teach me about gardening or sewing or the many wonderful gifts of knowledge women that age have. But for a long time now, I have been confusing that picture in my mind with what I really have been given. And they are not the same. Nor will they ever be.
So, it does not follow the natural scheme of things that I should become the matriarch of my family in my mid-thirties, but I have already waited too long for changes that will not come.
From this day forward, my family starts with me. I AM that momma that my son can come to for advice or hugs or conversation or sympathy. I WILL BE that gramma and hopefully live long enough to be that great-gramma. I AM that friend. I am blessed with: wonderful friends who have wonderful families who love and accept me the way I am - even love me for it. I am blessed with a strong, sensible husband who, I believe, is as thankful for having found me as I am for finding him. I am blessed with a talented, intelligent, independent son who I am certain will be a wonderful adult. I. AM. BLESSED. I. AM. THANKFUL. I. AM. MOVING. ON.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Friday Frivolity

It's FRIDAY!!! I'm probably the only person also celebrating the fact that it's RAINING!!! I also got a little email in my inbox this morning saying that Black Crowes tickets are going on sale today for a November concert in St. Louis. What other happy wonders will this day hold!? I'm all a titter!
As always, wishing all of you a fun, safe weekend!!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Where's the Perspective?

I know we are all sick and tired of hearing about Michael Jackson. I'm shocked I'm even blogging about it 2 days after the televised memorial service. TELEVISED... What!?
Love him or hate him. Believe he was a child molester, believe he was a tortured genius or believe he was both. I don't know what I believe and I never gave it much thought really because I'm just not that IN to celebrity. I get more excited about knowing a couple of local authors than I would if, say, Colin Farrel walked into my office right now. Johnny Depp is the exception simply because (perfect looks aside) he fascinates me. But even with the great JD, I am quite certain I wouldn't run around like a crazy person crying and trying to touch the hems of or whatever.
So last night as we were watching tv and a recap of MJ's memorial service came on (even though the tv said something ELSE was supposed to be playing), I switched the channel... More MJ. I switched the channel... More MJ. I cussed a blue streak and switched again. I finally had to give in to the fact that there was no escape short of the Branson Entertainment Channel and I'm not going there.
I turned to my husband and wondered aloud WHAT THE HELL?! WHY DO PEOPLE CARE SO MUCH!? ARE PEOPLE STILL GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT MY DEATH 2 WEEKS AFTER?! Not a chance! Not even if a giant turd rolled out of the woods and smashed me to death. The giant turd would get more coverage than the fact it caused my death.
I don't GET IT. Michael Jackson was not more important than you are. He was not more valuable in terms of life just because he sold albums and did the moonwalk. He wasn't less valuable, he just wasn't MORE. Try as I might, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that some people worship celebrity. Some people cry and faint and scream and do that weird, frantic hand waving thing because they've seen someone famous.
Where's the perspective?!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Crazy and Dink Update

Well, the plot doth thicken!

As you may remember from my previous post about Crazy and Dink, my ex husband was in the planning stages of moving out and getting himself a divorce from the craziest woman I've ever had the misfortune of knowing.

Well, he and Pea Pie spent Friday and Saturday packing their belongings (you may recall Crazy had gone out of town for a reunion of some sort) and moving into their new digs. Dink has a custom home builder friend who welcomed them into his rather substantial home, having gotten recently divorced himself. Mind you, Pea Pie is only over there every other week during the summer and weekends during school, but he is quite excited about the aquarium, pool table, peace and quiet and privacy. He's excited that he will be able to take valuable personal belongings with him during his visits without having to worry about them being destroyed by the mini-crazys.
ANYWAY, Dink called Sunday wondering whether he should get a restraining order on Crazy. This made me rather nervous. I mean, it's one thing for me to be referring to her as crazy, it's another to find out he truly believes she is. I jokingly asked if she'd been beating him and he regaled me with this little story:
At a basketball game this past season, they went to watch one of the mini-crazys play. Crazy got angry with Dink and threw a full iced tea in his face in front of the entire gymnasium. Dink was embarrassed and walked out. The school surveylance videos were all in witness as Crazy followed him out of the building and beat him all the way to his truck! That Monday, the Superintendant of schools called her in and informed her that any further such incendents would result in her being banned from school property FOREVER. I suggested that a restraining order might not be such a bad idea. He filed on Monday morning and a temporary order was put in place. I can't tell you how happy I would be to be a fly on the wall when she gets served with that thing (heaven help the server).
I asked Pea-Pie if he had just not been telling me all of this stuff because they didn't want me to freak out, but apparently he didn't know either. APPARENTLY, her behavior when Pea-Pie was over there was THE TONED DOWN VERSION. I can't tell you how scary I find that.
Okay, is this just me? Do any of you have similar stories or is this much crazy reserved for me and mine?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

A Slice of Home

This is Big Louie

And I mean BIG Louie

He was my trusty steed on Sunday which was great even despite the fact that halfway through the trail ride, he decided it would be much more fun to jump over anything more than six inches tall than to just walk over. Even when going downhill... I managed to hang on because it's a long way down from up here:

All joking aside, we had a really great ride and I wanted to share some pictures of my beautiful slice of the world, the Missouri Ozarks:

And some of the gang:
The middle "bean" as Georgie Porgie would say:

My Bestie's boy:


Hubby's Bestie (although oddly enough, they simply refuse to call one another Besties. Men...(rollin eyes)):

That's a typical Sunday around here except the high temp was a cool 78 and there was a nice cool breeze blowing. None of that sweating and wondering what we were thinking to leave the air conditioning this time around!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Monday Morning Blues

Ick. Monday.
It's not only Monday. It's Monday and my husband took a vacation day meaning I am here fending off Talky Pete all by myself.

Wrote a song about it.
Wanna hear it?
Here it goes!

Dum duh da dum!
Sittin in my office
dum duh da dum!
Mindin' my own biz
dum duh da dum!
In walks ole Talky
dum duh da dum!
Don't have to wonder who it is
dum duh da dum!
hadn't shut his mouth
dum duh da dum!
since I walked in today
dum duh da dum!
he's so full of poop
dum duh da dum!
can't believe a word he say!

Yes, this really is how I roll.

Hope you all had a great 4th weekend. We were supposed to go floating on Saturday but decided not to and thankfully so because apparently the creek was low and it rained ALL DAY. We went on a road trip instead and it was a great day for it. Overcast skies meant no sun glaring in my face all day and the temps were quite nice too.
Sunday we went on a 10 mile trail ride. High temp was 78 and there was a nice breeze. Best ride I've been on in a long time. Took a bunch of pics, but forgot to upload them, so hopefully tomorrow I can post those along with the deets.

Here's to a great week for all!